Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in andddd out ~ I QUIT !!

oh wait, I dont have to. tomorrows the last day so what is there to quit about. poop !

Too wrong that I should hush !

I am effing tired of waiting.
I am effing tired of saying its ok, even when you are an asshole, I am tired of saying its ok.
I am effing tired of being patient.
I am effing tired of hoping one day I will get things or at least to be treated like I want to.
I am effing tired of waiting for things or people to change, even the slightest bit.
I am effing tired of finding other alternatives whereas I actually have the main thing right in front of my face but simply just because you dont bloody function.
I am effing tired of being screwed up and see things getting screwed up.
I am effing tired of putting effort in anything I do, I want to do things effortless.
I am effing tired of trying to be happy, where I cant even stand being happy for a wholeee complete night.
I am effing tired of certain things.
I am effing tired of my brain, my heart, my memory, my feelings.
I am effing tired of trying things.
I am effing tired of my constant need to talk to someone, or if failed to be fulfilled, the itch of finding somebody else to talk to.
I am effing tired of my need to actually want peoples opinion and advice especially, why cant I just make it on my own without thinking long.
I am effing tired of my need of needing someone, all the time.

I miss this. Sigh. So much.

Not enough.

What is ?

I changed my color for you
I shed my coat with caution
I lack the beauty you display
See here there are the bruises
And some were self-inflicted
And some showed up along the way
So i nod my head
Im ready for the world to see
The secret i kept here inside the man you thought id be
Slip into coma calm
The coma where i calm myself down
Here comes excuses why i let you down

Stand by for another breakdown
Sound off the alarm
Is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become
Chameleon boy
Chameleon boy

So now weve come upon the hardest thing ive ever done
Its telling you that im a mess
What sort of mess i mean
Is self-destructive gasoline
The kind that strips you of your best
And while i play insteadthe way that most would end up dead
You sleep alone at home and wish that i was in our bed
With this im telling you
My color changes back to blue
How do i ask you this
Will you help me through

Stand by for another breakdown
Sound off the alarm
Is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become
Stand by for another breakdown
Sound off the alarm
Is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become
Chameleon boy
Chameleon boy

I try to think of all the people i look up to
Or growing up who would i be
Now the twisted part
Whered all my idols end up
They all passed away
Passed away

Stand by
Its chameleon boy

Would I be out of line ?

You are stellar

Meet me in outer space
We could spend the night
Watch the earth come up
I've grown tired of that place
Won't you come with me?
We could start again

How do you do it?
You make me feel like I do
How do you do it?
It's better than I ever knew

Meet me in outer space
I will hold you close
If you're afraid of heights
I need you to see this place
It might be the only way
That I can show you how
It feels to be inside of you

I dont understand what is so hard or difficult bout things.

Why is it like a toy, why do i feel like i am being toyed. Im tired of roller coaster rides. Im tired of life, fretting, strutting, hanging, rolling like a dice or like a wheel. Im tired of the ride on a ferris wheel. Yes, when ur up there, u can touch the sky, u get a good view. N yes when you are down, all you see is life, people, clowns. I dont like life being like a slinky. Why cant it always be like emmm, peanut butter n jelly sandwich? Yeah. Thats life. Life as it is. Patience is the key now. Just wait and see. Go as it is.

word vomit.

I want to feel it. sigh.

idk where this is going.

No point minding.
No point trying.

Walking madly - feeling strangely and I'm not sure where to go
I got a funny feeling - Have I lost my meaning

Why I try to save this when all I ever want to do is get as far as I can go
Where there's nothing left of me and

We all carry these things inside
that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea.
I look up to the sky,
there may be nothing there to see.

I doont see where this is going.

And idk why you are so not much of a help. sigh. I dislike seeking help from others. nuff said. suck it or leave it.

It makes me feel even worse.

I never knew it is that hard to emmmmm, to harsh to be said.

Someday,somehow I will have to grow out of it. I need to talk to somebody who is willing to draw me a map and a flow chart to get me along with this. A shrink ?

I know who to ask, it is out of the blue but I know you would do best in this. But what saddens me is, why not the other one ? why not u ? Why u no like that.

Words by a weak player.

I dont know and I dont understand.
To what I have seen
To what I have felt
To what I have been feed all this while.

These bones and flesh yearns for something
Something so deep yet so simple
Something so simple almost everybody
Has felt, has touched, has tasted.
And to some lucky ones,
Still living with it.
And you will some day carry it along with you
And give it back in return.

I dont know and I dont understand.
To why I did not have the chance
Was it my fault being unable to choose
What role
What cast
What play
What stage
Was it ever my fault at all ?
And if I was not given the chance,
what will I give back in return ?

I dont know and I dont understand.
To why this endless hunger engulfs me.
To why this greed and anger in me.
To why the past aint fair to me.
To why I fail to remember the sunshine, I sure have
To why I am at best in remembering the rain, I sure am

I dont know and I dont understand.
If it all was a true, fair play, if at all, accordingly,
What is this am I feeling now ?
What more do I want to see?
What more do I want to feel ?
What more do I want to feed myself with ?
What more ?

I dont know and I dont understand.
If it all was a bad play that can last for a life time,
Acted by great actors, but watched by poor fools,
What is this bones and flesh still yearning for
What is nothingness, emptiness, fear ?
What is confusion, insecurity, resentment ?

I am a poor fool that does not know and does not understand.

I hate you stupid plus minus thing.

Yeah i know, i am the one who keeps saying it to people. So great.

I am screwed as screwed can be.

I am sad because I wont be sad. Makes any sense? No. I know.

I dont know why it brings me to tears.

I cant keep saying and blaming the past because I am positive that I can do things and change things for the better, not still live like in the past. the past is the past, nak buat macam mana, I know. Just a thought to why i am not like that, why am i not like other people, normall peoplee. Hmph. Thats the thought for tonte and it really goes deep.

Yeah. Thats all you can do. No, thats not all.

Then what can I do? Hello! I am as human as you are too. Even cats would feel the same as I do if they were to be put in my position. Realize it, thats all I am asking for.

Why cant you see that I am down and drowning?

I've been changin' but you'll never see me now
(I've been changin' but you'll never see me now)
Now I'm blaming you for everything

No more holding it in
How many years can I pretend
Nothing never goes the way it should
No more sitting in this place
Hoping you might see it my way
Cause I don't think you ever understood
That what I'm looking for are the answers
To why these questions never go away

I'm so far away
I've been changin' but you'll never see me now
I'm so far away
Now I'm blaming you for everything

No more waiting for the end
Of every day that I will spend
Wishing that I only had a choice
No more pushing you away
Cause I will be busy watching things going my way
Never looking back on this anymore
Because what I'm looking for are the answers
To why these questions never go away

I've been changin' but you'll never see me now
Now I'm blaming you for everything

I'm so far away

Hey hey watch me wave
Goodbye to yesterday
Nothing left in my way
Hey hey I've been saved
With sun shining on my pain
Getting me through this day
Hey hey watch me wave
Goodbye to yesterday
Nothing left in my way
Feels so good to say

Now I'm blaming you

I'm so far away

TIKUS MONDOK !!!

Boy oh boy i miss you guys !

Chinese boys.

I dont mean to sound so pedo-ish. Haha.

Whats a couple of hours after the whole day can do to me? A lottt.

Aku paham la ini itu apa benda. Tapi aku macam mana? Tak fikir jugak. Yay. Syok.

It is stupid but I am part of it.

Perempuan selalunya menangis, marah dan emo bukan sebab satu perkara yang terjadi, pada ketika itu. Tetapi hal-hal yang telah lama dipendam demi menjaga hati orang lain.

Live the future. Leave the past.

And try hard to stick to the present. Sigh.

Give more than you can get. I dare not even think about it.

Keeping calm is the key now. Do it yourself is the key now.

If I hadn't made me, I'd have fallen apart by now
I won't let them make me, It's more than I can allow
So when I make me, I won't be paper mache
And if I fuck me, I'll fuck me my own way

Out of sight. Out of mind.

Who in the right mind of an 18 year old person with 9as in their hands and I am not saying that its the best results in the whole wide world ok would opt something like this ? I sincerely feel I chose the wrong thing and went against my wishes and odds. Yes I made my choice a year ago and here I am with it. But what I am going to do now is do some homework, buy myself a bsn pin number wat crap and register and do it and see where it will take me. So for gods sake cut me off some slack and appreciate that I actually have the brains and hearts to commit myself here. I could have gone far away if I wanted to but I did not and that I dont see what is the point of sticking around anymore. So give me some space, some voice, some ear, some mind to make up my own mind and choice. Thats all I ask for. I am already commiting a huge part here. Thank you. So forever that might seem, I hate bein tied to things. Forever I hate it. Either temporary or forever. What is it good for ?

Yes thank you for worrying. But I just dont care. I am going to fill anything up that I can and see how. You say I am such a problem, well, how nice, thank you. I frankly am tired of caring right now ok. of anything. Memang la, all I heeare is, pilih ja lah apa you nak. Up to you la apa you nak buat. sigh.

And no, I am not going to go and talk to you. What is the point, its either i will get nothing or i will get worse than what I am in right now. I am not asking you to be a judge nor a preacher. Just be good. Thats all I ask for. But what I get? Nothing.

No, I am not a puppet that has strings around me hands, legs and facial features bounded by a stick that you can get hold of and control. No, I am not. If you think I am, then you are wrong. Yes you might dislike what you get or what you see. And I tell you, you have all the rights in the whole world to behave, handle, live and do things that way. geez. What do you think I am, again ?

And what crap is this. I have been hearing good things, good stuff bout this, for like what, four months more than that ? Whattt ? why the sudden change. I dont understand. Why cant we just stick to the plan. I think it is quite simple. It is not that I am gona loose anything ka pa benda kan.

I am sorry that all I have these days are bad and negative thoughts and feedbacks but I have no choice but to say it here. No one would want to listen. More so would want to understand.

Shut up.

You are not the only one who is frustrated, sad, angry, pissed, confused, paralyzed, sick, anoyed, effed up, problematic, trouble maker, constantly at fault either way whether you are really at fault or not, not being listened or attended to, or any crappy thing you can think of. And I would add more to this list if I could.

Yeah, can you be any longer ?

Yeah, I thought so.

Hey ! I am as shit as you are, you know that ?

So live with it !

Rolls on floor.

URGHHHH ! WHYYYYYYY ? !

calm yo horses layday ~

CAL ? AUSMAT ? SAM ?

WHATTTTT ! and then IDK. Segi, Disted, KDU, Inti, Tar.

And then theres engineering then psychology.

Yes, this is very stressful. haha. And to face the fact that suma orang dah tau diorang nak wat pa and jadi apa pa suma, adoiiii. Decide Aiman, decide.

Disappointment has a name.

We might all be able to say, yes it is ok, it is alright. Or to close one eye and say alah, tak pe lah. Or to pretend that you are ok with it and you accept it. Or to busy yourself, to keep doing things, blocking that little sick thought of yours temporary. But we also have to admit, that before you sleep, that disappointment will come and hit you and thats the last thing that you have in your mind before u sleep. Or the disappointment might be the first thing that comes into your mind first thing when you wake up in the morning and you are forced to say, owhhh, I got up at the wrong side of the bed. This might take a while since it wasnt some hope that I kept over night. It was more like a year or so. I wish it was overnight.

tah. I dont feel like being happy. thanks.

I knew this was coming. Perhaps since the start of last year. I just never thought it reallyyyyy happened.

Result SPM !!!!

Alhamdulillah. Yes, I did.not.expect.this. haha. so at least the fear of telling people bout what I got has vanished now. I do realize for a fact that if I work a taddddd bit harder, I know I could do it all. So it proofs a point there, hehe. Nonetheless, I am very grateful with what I got and I am glad my parents are too. yeappp, they thought I would get like 5 or 6 macam tu, jyeahh. N the happiness that I saw in their faces n oh2 dr nimis too. I think out of the most, her reaction was priceless haha. I like it. haha. So now I think its time to move on with life, a hugeee burden is gone, mula2 exam dia, thenn tunggu results dia. We move on to higher education pulakk. For now, I have no idea on what it may bring. I think maybe that is the best part. hehe. SO here I would like to say thank you to my parents the most, to my midget sister, to my abg hoz and kak noran, to my another siste also la, to my insane brother, to mr bf, to malina, to anis, to anusha, to sharon, to dr nimi, to teachers oh yes slipped it hehe, to many2 yang nak tules tapi tak pa, terkenang di hati. hehe. Thank you so much for the support and prayers and everything.

And the rest I leave it to my heart to decide. I obviously cannot deny my tears and cannot hold it for long. Lets see what the future has in store for me.

Sometimes I wish I could care less.

Why care less if you could not care at all.

Roundy roundy.

More often than not, we have to like what we reallyyyyyy dislike.

Yeap, look who is talking. Have I ever considered all those ? I am not so sure. Then the issue arises, why should I be so accepting if you are not doing so too ? dang I just dont like that. I dont understand.

When ur with an idiot, then u will eventually become an idiot too. Unless u are gooddamn bloody good.

Firstly, I really frankly wont and do not put any effort in life. Especially in this thing, I dont see what is the point of to actually putting effort in this thing. I am not saying my efforts are bloody precious, they are not actually. But I just dont feel like it. I am not trying to be an egoistic person ka or who thinks that by doing so would totally cemarkan maruah diri sendiri, tidak sama sekali. I paham, people say, if you dont do it, or expects that the other would do it, sampai ke bila kan dua2 dok tunggu ja. But in this, I think I am the only one who is waitin. And that I am the only one who is devastated and sad and who actually bothers to mend things. I know you dont give a shit. So why should I try ?

And kesian. apa ka benda kesian. If its so, meaning I need to kesian everyone like that ka ? Bullshit la kan. Get a grip of your life la. Aku tak nampak the relevance of nak kesian orang macam tu skang ni. Bek aku p kesian kucing kat dalam longkang under hujan lebat. That is what I call kesian. Buat apa nak kesian orang yang xreti appreciate, tak kenang budi,tak sedar diri benda2 camtu.

The trend these days. not to say trend but it happens a lot and kinda common already. because macam, ok, what is the point of dapat degree, masters pa benda suma, tapi bila nak kuar, tak reti nak communicate, tak reti nak present yourself. Macam ni la jugak, rasa macam tak dak guna suma education tu. I pray hard to God that I wont end up like that. And actually, I am glad sebab I get to see and learn from this.

Yes, God is great. What comes around goes around. There is always the karma and effects. And afterall, what is there in the word comfort if you can get comfort in anywhere. Even a box of dark chocolate can be called as comfort. So what is there in me ? I know I am nobody and not needed.

Can one be any more sexier and revealing ? And for the fact that you lovee and enjoy guys admiring and praising on your body ?

I tell you what. Wearing a baby suit is way much cheaper ! cheaper than you.

Into the wild

Is a beautiful movie but to a bad ending that makes me want to puke.

I get irritated easily when I am sleepy and tired.

Too much for an expectation. sigh.

On a side not, tq for the token of appreciation. I really like that.

Other than that, I am as sleepy as shit so I really dont know what to say bout all those.. I have my own thoughts and ways and thats it, it remains as that.

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

I think those words are taboo to me already, sudah phobia.

I would rather scream penisss ! in public for once daripada dengar and live with those words everytime. And I try very hard to not be sarcastic. so shut up.

Dont you dare talk to me bout apa yang syok and apa yang tak syok.

selama ni aku tak penah pon cakap macamtu. penah aku question balek. tidak.

Maybe if I forgot things once in a while, we’d all be a little bit happier.

And some other reasons closely related to that.

Shut it already. I dont wear a mask. Or so I thought so.

Idky im awake, still, amd trying to talk and survive and to listen just for the sake of idk what. Nope, not enjoying a single bit this time.

Yea. It is that hard to jaga hati orang. Yea. It is that hard to puaskan hati orang.

So, why dont i do it too, kan ? Tak perlu nak on time, tak perlu nak tanya, tak perlu nak kisah. Suma tak perlu. Senang hidup. Beh cita.

Somethin interesting I must say.

Yeap. Whatever. Life goes on as it is.

Just, I will take a lil while for all of these.

Fork ! You are questioning me something that you just asked for before.

Have you ever heard of quid pro quo ? Or not, return the favour. Returrrnnnn.

I hate you in many ways but I love you in every ways.

Yeap. put it to test.

When life is shaking, what do you do ?

I say shake it harder.

I am sad as sad can be.

I am at the point of being devastated to the extend of not having the will to get mad at anything anymore. No I did actually, I was just dissappointed and tak puas hati sangat sebab tak boleh dapat benda simple seperti a comforting shoulder or a kind heart or something good that can feed my ears just at this point in time. I am currently upset at certain things, yang sebenarnya tak patot wujud pon. Yea, u may ask, aku period tak. If you know me very well, aku memang period tiap2 hari. So janganla dok cuba ngan orang yang rajin pms. thank u. Remember, I am not a remote control where you can keep pressing buttons and wait and see what I have in the screens for you. I have feelings, I have wants, I have needs, I have necessities that needs to be fed, so same goes to you. Like it or not.

Idk what but maybe the thing is you. You yang tak pernah kena hidup and survive dengan orang yang we say a ticking time bomb. Firstly I would like to say, I dont mean to be a ticking time bomb especially tonite like after wave, after wave and after wave tapi I have put up with a ticking time bomb person, so I might expect you to treat me like that. Sebab I have been living with the possibility of every word, every move, every action, every reaction, every human contact I make, every wants, every needs, almost everything regarding me, might make you explode any moment and oh I tell you ,the aftermath is ugly. You dont want to know. But do you everrrr realize that ? No. You have to alter, to impress, to puaskan hati, to try fucking hard to not screw up every time. How is that for a start ? And I have been living with it. At first it was ok, but yea it builds up as time goes by. Whats worse is it is taking effect now. great huhh. SOoo pleaseee grant me some gratitude and appreciation and take a good 5 minutes of ur not bz at all life to realize this. That because of you, I doubt a lot. I never not think twice before I do something. I lived by a very cautious and stupid life. By that I wished I raised my guard higher.

And if it is so. Macam ni lah. I have 10 bux. !0 bloody bux to live for a week. Itu la makan minum pa benda aku. Fine la. So you see there, how much it means to me. Kamu pon sama. desperate tak dak duet. xpelah kan. You perlukan 10 bux, perlu sangat la, tapi u know very well, I ony got 10 bux, but because you are important to me, I sanggup bagi all my 10 bux. yeaaaap. Tak penah ka terfikir, tak pa lah, you amek ja 5 bux, 5 bux lagi u bagi to me. lagi 5 bux nak bagi cukup 10 bux tu you usaha laaaa ccarik sendiri ! aadoi.. kenapa kamu selfish sangat sampai kena amek semua and tak mao usaha langsung. ada salah di mana2 ka tang situ ? cuba tu tak dak. cuba fikir. Knowing and acting. Knowing is satu, acting is satu. Knowing pon cukop la, nak acting tu terlalu forwrd for u. That memang i am putting my expectations wayyy to high. .sigh

And yes, we all have our own stories. WE all aada our own frustrations, sadness, makan hati, benda yang kita simpan dari orang, tak puas hati, suma tu. Easy said, when spoken it will bring you to tears. And memang, suma orang ada stand, pendapat, their own mind. Mentality ?

You used to be somebody that I used to know. I never knew I meant so little to you when you meant so much for me.

Dudeeeeee......... Seriouslyyyy ?

Aha, yeapppp. * blank face * I am done.

enough said. =/

Yeap. All these in just one sitting.

And not only before I go to sleep. During the day too. It is something that I cannot escape from. It might be like every hour or so. Sigh !

Yup. Funny as it is. haha

Yeap. Me no likey.

Have the word compromise ever crossed your mind ?

1. settlement of a dispute by concessions on both or all sides

2. the terms of such a settlement

3. something midway between two or more different things

Maybe that this is my nature. And that is your nature.

So I have to live with it like it or not.

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

If yer always tryin' to get to the top
You don't get to the bottom of nothin'!
Then you're gone before you know it;
You'd better stop! (STOP!)
Learn a little givin' and lovin'

It's been done before
C'mon, do it again!
Coz if it's good
Then you should share it round
What's the use of keeping
all the good things that
you've found to yourself?

Learn a little, learn a little
Learn a little givin'
Learn a little, learn a little
Learn a little givin' and lovin'

You don't gotta keep no other man down
For you to get up
Just don't give away your self-respect
Coz if it's all you've got left
The rest don't really
matter now anyway honey!

But give away love (GIVE IT!)
And give it for free
No strings attached
Just don't ask for it back

Learn a little, learn a little
Learn a little givin'
Learn a little, learn a little
Learn a little givin' and stop!

Givin! Learn a little givin'
It's been done before
C'mon do it again!
Learn a little, learn a little
Learn a little givin' and lovin'

It might not affect me now, but it will affect me later in life. And i hope you see and realize that, someday, somehow.

takpa. kita wat lek ja. tak pa. tak nampak xpa. So I am scared of that. And good luck to me with that.

and iiii hate thattttt.

Yes and i am tired of it now. for now.