Bole tanya lagi ka ?

The ideal way to spend the new years eve or celebrating the new year for me..

Stay at home and talk about the whole year, what has happened, what was huge, what gave a huge impact in that whole year, show and share your stories and also your love and appreciation to the ones whom you love and the ones who deserves it. Just lay back, stay in and crap relaxingly all you want. I guess thats my tradition? No, I dont need alcohol, loud music, the crowd,the party,etc. All I need is just that.

And by all means, you saying that aint helping.

And either way, I will always be the selfish one. Be it I say it out loud or not.

So whats urs?

Southbay

New home
New life
New hope
New future
New beginning

Its party timee.

Thank u for reminding me and trying to lift my mood up but errrr. Idk whats holding me back. I want that thing but its so stupid. the end.

So, get a nice of hot choc, watch stewie on youtube in u bed and say foreveralone haha.

Try being a descent asshole. Boleh ?

Situation : You see me eating a nice, juicy, tasty hamburger at the corner of a shop. You, all of a sudden, come to me and ask, " Aiman, what are you eating ?"

Le respond : I made the -da faq face- * ang buta ka or alien tak penah tgk aku makan hamburger ka pa *

My reply : I am apparently eating you. Yes, you are a damn hamburger and I am eating every inch of you. Biting and tearing every single living piece of you, chewing it slowly and swallowing it with my eyes closed. OK ?

Message : Kalo dah tau, tak payah la tanya. tak susah. Jangan lah tanya soalan yg memang aku rasa nk jawab sarcastically la.


New year ? Nope. Nada. Nothing. Yes, what a life I have. dah. tired.

Lost in Transition.

ISFPs are interested in the fine arts. Expression primarily through action or art form. 5% of the total population.

ISFPs can be over-accepting of others and need to be more skeptical at times. Their need to please everyone makes them reluctant to critique any one but themselves. This excessive desire to trust others makes them targets for hurt feelings and disadvantaged relationships. Long-range planning and adherence to policies can be their downfall. When the freedom to act on their instincts is limited, ISFPs become bored, restless, and passively defiant. They are skilled at seeming to comply with regulations while annoying those who cause them distress.

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love

Kalo da tau aku cepat naek angin, kenapa suka sangat say or do things yang boleh naekkan angin aku.

Susah sgt ka ? aku rasa xla. sebab i have done, i have adjusted my life, i have tried to please people just to not make them feel that way, susah ka ? ya mmg susah aku tau, been there done that.

Yes, I know I admit, I am a difficult person. I want things my way normally, but I do tolerate changes and adjustment or something. I tend to shut up and behave and go with it. Yes, I have a very bad temper, why dont u just pay attention a bit to that. But you have known me for more than 17 years. Fuck you still dont know how to treat me. Fuck you still dont know what I eat, what are my faves, what I dont eat. Fuck you dont know how to teach me anything. Fuck why u dont know. God. And I am this age, yeah, memang la, kalo aku laki orang cakap kencing pon tak reti lagi, memang aku tak nafikan, tapi tak payah la layan aku smpai macam ni. You ingat aku ni apa ? Bagi aku nek angin lagi, aku tinggai btui. Anak len nk ajak macam tu bole la, anak sendiri, please, bukan cara macam tu nak ajaq if u really know me.

And yeah, aku dah penat nak marah. cukup la. I have another stupid day to bare with tomorrow. double stupid on sunday. effing stupid on monday. dah. enuf. I am bored. I dont see anything that interest me in life. I am tied to all of this unwanted things. I cant do this and that. I have lost interest in some normal things that normal people enjoy. Dahla, nak apa lagi.

Are you off the hook ?

Yes, it is nice being an asshole I tell you, I personally like it, hahha, yes, such a sadist I am. But throughout all of my unfairness and asshollness and crappiness and allness, I am glad that I am very well aware of me being an asshole. At least, yes I use the word at least, I know that I am an asshole, I am a spoil sport, I am a spoiled 17 year old girl, I am an insensitive, not matured, constantly bragging and complaining, not understanding teenager who apparently looks like a kindy girl when with a backpack on her back haha. My point here is, why dont you take just for a second in your life, and just realize that you are an asshole. Whether it was in your past, or is in your present now or in your future later in life. No, I am not asking you to change even a tad bit, because it is like Aiman loosing 10pounds in half a day hence that act is impossible. Take that sudden moment of realization and just realize that for some certain action or reaction that you are doing, it makes you an asshole. And better, just admit it, that aint hard.

I would walk 10 miles.

Why would you walk 2 miles only ? Is it so hard to do another 8 more miles ?

But you are not happy with your life.

* that awkward moment when you start crying in front of someone but dont know the reason why you are crying.

* when someone asks you why are you crying, you take ages to answer that.

* all that was in my mind all of a sudden was " I dont wanna go ".

* I guess I grew tired of faking it and hiding that damn thing in the back of my head.

* No, I really dont move on.

* No, I do not wish to suffer from depression etc.

* And when I say I cannot wait, I really mean I cannot wait.

per.for.mance.

OH YESH YOU AREEEE ~

Just one does not hurt. Does it ?

Define assume nothing. It is bother nothing.

My deaf cat can do better. Bare in mind.

As fantastic as it is. sigh.

Now that wasnt thatttt hard. I can actualy do this, but try it hard, very hard. haeh.

I have to retrain myself for this whole damn thing. Its like, I ask for milo, a perfect, nice, hot cup of milo. I might not get how I want it to be. I would have to either take it and drink it sebab dahaga sangat, or I can starve myself and not touch that milo or request for another one, and keep requesting again and again till I really get the milo that I want. But nak tunggu tu lama la. So be it too sweet, I kena la campur air sikit. Be it too cold because I have to wait for so long, boh la ayaq pnaih or boh ketul ais. be it any way my milo would be, that milo is drinkable and does not taste awful actually. it taste just fine, obviously it is not perfect as because it is not how I want it to be. I am the one who is being too picky, actually. Perhaps not having school or anything beneficial to do is really driving me crazy. orang cakap, ya, tak dak keja so aku carik kerja. most prolly. I have a very high tendency to trash almost everything and anything skang ni sebab tak dak benda nk wat. as much as I want kdu to be very far away, I think I really need it. kalo bole i wished i msok jan. at least I feel pandai sikit and otak ni ada la dipenuhi dgn ilmu yang berguna. daripada skarang ni which I feel my life literally is hanging by a string. yeap, very xstable. and that pindah cepat pon bole la. at least I can spend time cleaning, unpacking and managing the house. otak tak dak la idle sgt kan. i just need a purpose to go thru my days again. please, give me some purpose. because I can hardly find one. i just want to stop trashing everything, all over again. gah. inilah akibat bosan sangat.

Yer, 10 hours later.

I wish I dont know how to count the minutes.

Thank you Facebook.

Adakah aku soreng ja yang selalu rasa bosan giler pig ?

Fuck, bosan. You dont get to hear that that often do you? Oh wait, tomorrows another day, tomorrows another thing. great, bravo, I will be saying the same thing again. Oh wait, I am really hating my life right now and for what tomorrow has in store for me. Yeap, I am not happy and not looking forward for tomorrow. Oh wait again, like it or not, I have to like it. just say. xpala, biarla, its ok, i can bare with it. crap. How long do I need to keep saying it again ? For the rest of my life I hear ? Great.

I.HATE.THE.WORD.PACK.ING.

Sigh.

You would never know.

She was standing there by the broken tree
Her hands were all twisted she was pointing at me
I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes
She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky
She said walk on over into bitter shade,
I will wrap you in my arms and you'll know you've been saved'
Let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.

It is okay. It is alright.

Why be an angel if you can be a devil ? I guess I am somewhere in between. But I do wish to be an angel.

Great. Now you will think more of me now.

The other way round.

That is to me, being on the edge of a cliff.

For billions of years
Since the outset of time
Every single one of your ancestors survived
Every single person on your mums and dad's side
Successfully looked after and passed onto you life
What are the chances of that like
It comes to me once in a while
And everywhere i tell folk
It gets the best smile

“You are not your bra size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe size is of no consequence. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any combination thereof. You are not the number of sit-ups you can do, nor are you the number of... calories in a day. You are not your mustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not a little red dress. You are no amalgam of these things. You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.”

I changed my color for you
I shed my coat with caution
I lack the beauty you display
See here there are the bruises
And some were self-inflicted
And some showed up along the way
So i nod my head
Im ready for the world to see
The secret i kept here inside the man you thought id be
Slip into coma calm
The coma where i calm myself down
Here comes excuses why i let you down

Stand by for another breakdown
Sound off the alarm
Is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become
Chameleon boy
Chameleon boy

So now weve come upon the hardest thing ive ever done
Its telling you that im a mess
What sort of mess i mean
Is self-destructive gasoline
The kind that strips you of your best
And while i play insteadthe way that most would end up dead
You sleep alone at home and wish that i was in our bed
With this im telling you
My color changes back to blue
How do i ask you this
Will you help me through

Stand by for another breakdown
Sound off the alarm
Is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become
Stand by for another breakdown
Sound off the alarm
Is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become
Chameleon boy
Chameleon boy

I try to think of all the people i look up to
Or growing up who would i be
Now the twisted part
Whered all my idols end up
They all passed away
Passed away

Stand by
Its chameleon boy
Stand by
Its chameleon boy
Chameleon Boy
I'm chameleon boy...
Chameleon boy...

In my personal opinion.

I might have taken a different path, did many things that I shouldnt do ever in my whole life, but I really dont hope other people would follow what I did or encourage them to do it at all.

Yes, I have been predicting that all these would happen. And I already told you so.

Yes, I am not happy these few days.

Yes, I see no purpose to go through my days anymore.

Yes, I constantly feel like crap due to many reasons.

Yes, I do wish somebody would come and put an end or at least get hold of the hold button and press it for me in the meantime.

Yes, I am being highly sensitive and in constant need of attention,company and love and care.

Yes, I always feel like it is not enough and I am not getting enough.

Yes, I feel like nobody cares about me being happy or jolly or at least the normal Aiman back.

Yes, I am a cry baby right now.

Yes, I feel you are being unfair.

Yes, I really need a shoulder to cry on and a pair of ears who would willingly and sincerely listen to all of my rants without judging or snapping back at me.

Yes, I find it hard to handle my temper and be patient and tolerate these days.

Yes, I have tear glands that tends to burst every second of my life.

Yes, I need you to shut up and just listen when I say things to you, but make sure you listen.

Yes, I tend to be very cranky, almost psychotic if you want to call it that way.

Yes, I do not want to die in this but I would love to hit the snooze or hibernate button for as long as I want.

Yes, I wish I am somebody else.

Yes, I want to enjoy my life so help me here.

Yes, I would also like to move on but since you did me wrong, think again.

Yes, I dont handle dramas very well at all.

Yes, I am emotionally and physically tired now.

Yes, I did not do anything the whole effing day.

Yes, it might seem a small thing to you, but I look at the bigger picture, not the smaller picture.

So, if you have a psychiatrist's number or a therapist, do give me his or her number.

Thank you.

For gods sake, you are well, triple the age of mine and at that age you still cannot be more organised. how can u misplace such thing and be so unorganized. dont come and tell me udk la apa la, xreti, blajaq. belajaq la sampai bole reti organise things. because cleaning up the house, organising things and being tidy is like as simple as peeing. you know how to pee, u have got to know to do all those things. gah ! ni pon aku kena habaq ka. adoi la.

Outside the door he stands
His head in his hands
And his heart in his throat

What can he tell them now
Sorry I let you down
Sorry it wasn't quite true
But don't get hung up on it
Just solider on with it
And good luck with shooting the moon

We are smiling but so close to tears.

Hey, I am not invincible you know.

I thought you said you wanted to. I did too, but suck at it big time. But at least I am well aware of the damage that I am doing to every action and reaction I do.

Even that I need to tell you ?

Dont come to me and tell me you dont know or you got no bloody damn idea or I should have told you earlier. Anybody in the right mind, be it who knows me or does not know me, or anybody in the whole wide world would want it and would know it.

The world is not enough.

Have you ever heard a thunder bolt voice your name?
Lets all just reach our hands into the dark,
And feel what reaches back!
I stopped subscribing to you a long time ago,
But I still see you, every fucking month!

Don't get the octopus upset,
It may eat itself!
If only we could grow back our privileges.
Tunnel vision (If only i could touch your face again!)
I am not sleeping;
I'm only resting my eyes,
I'm only resting my eyes!

I didn't think that air could scream in resistance,
Until you, approached me protesting your advancement,
Don't walk any closer, don't you dare, walk any closer!
I forgot who you were...

"game over"

A dinner party, a last chance,
A love song, a bear dance.
Raising tension on your rhythmic pounding,
I knew you were scared!
Didn't think that i would play dead.
Next time come to class fully prepared.

Reply to my lines like we practiced earlier today.
Oh common don't be shy!
They'll applause to anything you have to say!

I spy YOU SPY! with my little eye.
That the desert you've deserted is a little dry.

Dragging the moisture from the air,
I am so dry... Let me get a sip of what you
Want me to say! I am so thirsty!

Dragging the moisture from the air.
I am so dry...

i tell you what

just shut up

Enjoy your last days of 2011.

Hmm. Smirk.

That silly devil in me talking. Over and out.

You must be broken by a thousand ways of wasted time
Get to the point then off the hundred lines awake
No need to change my mind, that clean a shade of thinking time
But i seem to think more than i act upon those things

I wish I tagged along rather than being home alone with nothing to do.

Reminder to myself. Be it the last.

All my life I have been searching for something, something that I can put my finger on.

Take it or leave it. I choose to leave it because I cannot take it. Suit yourself.

Let me sign.

We make choices and decisions everyday, every hour, every minute, every second of our lives. It might be very wrong or stupid in peoples eyes. It might be very right and to everyones liking. No matter what, be it other people think its right or its wrong, it doesnt matter. What matters is you made our decision, you made your choice and that you have your own reasons to why you choose such thing. And you will stick to it.

Well, yes, obviously and apparently I havent made mine yet.

Be it a yes, be it a no, I wouldnt want to know

I hope you know someday.

You know what, why dont we just abandon ja

Kan senang.

None.

Then what the fuck do you expect me to say ? I like it ? Well fuck you.

Inspire me.

Be it with your words, your writing, your actions, your anything. Just inspire me, open me up, give me some new light and hope for I am lack of essential things in life. Just tell me something sweet to get me by.

I am tired of being the only one. Am I asking for so much ? I hope I am not asking for the skies, the moon and the stars. Not enough ? I dont know.

I want to search for that something, but I dont know why am I searching for it. Maybe I dont find it in you ? Or you are the cause and that I need to get away from you for awhile? I almost press the send button, but then decided not to. sigh.

Damn it i need you. If not you, then who ? Ok, i know who, i know exactly who should be the one. Yes, I have to spell it out for you. word by word.

You know what, I dont feel like suffering from depression at this age right now. So eff it.

It wasn't enough

I will try to believe in the things I cannot see
But my faith is shaken now like it's never been before
When I call
And you don't come
I don't know what I should do
Should I call?
Should I even count on you?

I've given all I can
It wasn't enough
To keep you in my hands
Should I give up?
I try to understand
Was it ever enough?
I don't understand

So here I am once again
With my back against the wall
Afraid to show you
Afraid to tell you
I don't know you like I did
I've never been so alone
I've never felt so insecure
And now I don't know where I'm going
In my life I'm not so sure

Giving up tonight
I won't let go
Won't let go of you
Giving up tonight
I wanna show you
Wanna show you
Giving up tonight
I won't let go
Won't let go of you
Giving up tonight

Am I giving up?
Giving up

I don't wanna give this up
I won't

Everything you want from me
I fought so hard for everything
Everything you want from me
I tried so hard could never be
Anything you want from me
Anything you want from me
Anything you want from me
I gave it all

Then what do I have left ?

Talking about handling such thing without a sigh.

i dont mean to be an ass. but sometimes i like it.

And I wish I did.

I wish I told you everything right at your face and did not keep anything bottled inside me. Then maybe you might have second thoughts about me.

And I wish I can turn back time.

I wish I said more. I wish I did more. I wish I managed my time better for other people. I wish I took chances and risks more. I wish I did not bother and care so much. I wish I loved and cared myself more. I wish I was more selfish and mean. I wish I did not gain so much weight. I wish I did not do and commit certain things. I wish I had my own life. I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish I knew where it was all going. In the end.

But now, it does not matter anymore, at all. Life must go on. I might have lost my past, but I am not going to loose my future again.

Macam.mana.nak.on.facebook.

Yes, talk about how socially retarded I am. nak communicate depan2 pon tak reti, ni on facebook pon tak reti. Yeah, nak bawak keta pun tak reti, siap kena marah. Shoot me or I will just die with a slow death. sigh. Aku memang tak dak life betul. I am on the tv, laptop, ipad, and phone. What more. Oh, with sinus or some crap I might say that is building every minute of my life. And kdu ? Why.oh.god.why. !!!!

I'm feeling out of bounds, out of bounds
I'm running out of time, out of time
I know there's no such thing as either of them
But its doesn't make me feel any better

Who is not going to KDU ?

Put ya goddamn hands up ! Lemmee see it bebehhh ~

* I see nobody is raising their hands up *

If you ever leave me, baby
Leave some morphine at my door
Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have, we don't have it anymore

There's no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor
Oh so keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm makin'
Will keep you by my side and keep you from walkin' out the door

Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds, my eyes will do the same
If you walk away, everyday it'll rain, rain, rain-ai-ai-ain

I'll never be your mother's favourite
Your daddy can't even look me in the eye
Ooh if I was in their shoes, I'd be doing the same thing
Saying there goes my little girl, walking with that troublesome guy

But they're just afraid of something they can't understand
Ooh but little darling to watch me change their minds
Yeah for you, I'll try, I'll try, I'll try, I'll try-y-y-y
And pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleedin'
If that'll make it right

Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
And just like the clouds, my eyes will do the same
If you walk away, everyday it'll rain, rain, rain-ai-ai-ain

Oh don't you say (don't you say) goodbye (goodbye)
Don't you say (don't you say) goodbye (goodbye)
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleedin'
If that'll make it right

Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
And there'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
And just like the clouds, my eyes will do the same
If you walk away, everyday it'll rain, rain, rain-ai-ai-ain

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back
My neighbors think
I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I have
You're all I have

At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself

Talking to the Moon
Try to get to You
In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I'm feeling like I'm famous
The talk of the town
They say
I've gone mad
Yeah
I've gone mad
But they don't know
what I know

Cause when the
sun goes down
someone's talking back
Yeah
They're talking back

At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the Moon
Try to get to You
In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

Do you ever hear me calling?
Cause every night
I'm talking to the moon
Still trying to get to you

In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away

Now, that wasnt that hard to just type a hello message and send it riteeee. I am glad I pressed the send button. hehe.

Idky but I am waiting till 12. darn it.

Pasepa muka Aiman macam nak makan orangggg ?

I feel like putting the house on fire. Yes, I will set my own house of almost 5 years with my own bare hands on FIRE ! God, cepat la pindah. Aku dah tak boleh tahannnn.

Choih.

I farking eat when I am farking hungry. And I am farking lazy and so I am farking getting farking fatter. Dang.

Comfort zone. Where is mine ?

It is worse than I thought. To say it, to face it. It is like, you want to vomit, but you have no choice but to swallow it and live with that sick feeling and taste in your throat and mouth, for well, for as long as it will last. And by that, it disrupts all of your system.

You broke my thunder.

Every time I see any video or anything related to gula-gula, I faint for about 10 minutes. I just dont get it. It is worse than seeing three naked guys in a day, yeappp.

Where is my hibernate button ?

At this point in time, I just feel like crap. I know, no, I am not using the word bored or boring here, time is definitely your friend right now, you could be sleeping for the next 24 hours, and nobody would ever care. But for me, no, I cannot and that things I want to do, I cannot do. Like no this, no that, I cannot even hang with a human for like half an hour and getting scolded for that, like hurh ? seriously, eff your perception, why cant I live with my own perception ? 

My point here is, I miss the need of getting up and dragging yourself out of bed at 610am every sunday till thursday, bathe, get dressed with your high school uniform, eat your breakfast or u might die during the journey to school, get in the car with ur sad and sulking face, and voila, school. doesnt the word 'school' at this moment brings a smile on ur face ? well, it does for me, this time.

I am not bored of what, but I am bored because of lack of human touch and contact. And by all means I dont mean touchinnngg2 haha I mean talk,chat,mingle, meet, communicate, u know those sorta things you get when u go to school. Those crapps, those gossips, those stupid jokes, those teasing, laughs, oh damnnn. Yeah, that, I am yearning for that. I just need some time alone you know, not alone from everybody, but alone from home, from people I always see. Yeah, friends are the ones whom I dont always see, so I would really love that right now.

I just feel that, I see no reason to my erm, whats the word, to my living body here right now. I eat, sheet, sleep, pee, thats all, dont exercise, aint loosing my flabs, aint swimming, nothinggg, nadaaa. ok la sapa suroh lazy. I just feel so aimless. no purpose. Like what is my point here for going thru my days ? I lack of drive. Like last time, aim for the day, either try not to kill anyone due to raging hormones, or your ultimate plan for skipping class and hoping that the teacher will not realize it and getting caught, or sleep in the class and pray you can sleep more, eat as much as you can in class without getting caught, or just simply survive bm class till 250 or 210 without cursing at her or sleeping and dieing. If you have tuition pulak, try to survive during tuition class and drinking a lottt of water without peeing. and oh chewing gum also. And banyak lagi crappish purpose going to school. bare with the hurtful yet very funny jokes, and at the end of the day you say, yeap, I surviveddd.

Right now, I just dont see my purpose. Maybe all I need, no, maybe the purpose is just to simply move on with life. Oh how I wish KDU is somewhat somesort next week la, I just need to be around with people. Bleghhhhhhhhhhh !

I, Aiman Rizal, is admitting that she totally misses her school and her friends.

And no, I am not ready for things.

Yeap. Crap my ass.

I just need to talk to someone, better, make it a random person. Which I do have some in mind right now.

But i seem to think more than i act upon those things

Aku punya penat ang ada penah pikiaq dak ?

Blurt.

Blurp. Bleggghhhhhhh ~ grrrrrrrr.

Dak aih, tak pa aih. whatever aih.

Give me something good to readdddddddd ~ Gah,

Or3 to watch at least.

I would so love to have Mishka. haha

I just cannot stop watching this.

tak.dak.makna.

I do not understand what is the point of bringing stuff which is over more than a 100 years old and that you wont even bother to look at in your life later. Just, whyyyyy ~

I was staring at the message for about 5 minutes or so, thinking whether I should actually do this or not. Sometimes I wonder, why is it so hard to reconnect, well, for me.

MAY BABY
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High-spirited.

Time is our friend at th emoment now. =) So dont say boring, dont say malas.

brah. bra polka dot.

gemokkkkk. p cat.

baju, kasut, bra, pants. kolej life.

oregano is good.

you know what, go and f yourself, i dah xmo fikir.

memang la kita tak wat salah, tapi ada fikir orang laen rasa apa ?

Tired. Fed up.

I would like to hit the snooze or the freeze button.

Join the majority and do nothing.

Why dont we be the minorities.

And I wished you did and said that to me when I was in that situation.
I wish you knew.
I wish you did.
hmph.

Yeap, I dont like you right now.

Shut up. I would like to kill you right now.

Yes, I tend to be rather cold right now.

You must be broken by a thousand ways of wasted time
Get to the point then off the hundred lines awake
No need to change my mind, that clean a shade of thinking time
But i seem to think more than i act upon those things

A scar was sewn a drop of blood was saved for making wine
Still no repent on how you crumble when i shake
A mental jaw was used to pry me from this wrecking barn
But the sad details or the promises that i make

yeap.

I seem to have the tendency to just trash anything that I have.
Or, at least try.

Do you ever wonder ?

Memangla, even somebody who is at his or her most perfectest state of mind and being would get angry by that. sapa tak kan. tambah2 la aku sekarang ni yang memang hormon xstabil and having anger problem. macam mana la tak marah. tapi u know what, aku dah penat. I am so tired of getting angry and taking note of even the littlest things. I just dont want to bother anymore. u want, u want, u dont want, xpayah la. i guess i have my own things to do also. so, let it go, let it be, malas nak fikir.

People always think that the most painful thing is losing the one you love. But the truth is, losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you're special too, is equally painful.

Are you done ?

Just fuck it already. Shut up owkay ! Stop making it as if it is the first world problem. As much as I want it to be farrrrr, farrrrrrrrrrr away, and obviously I aint ready and aint whatever eff u can say to me, I wish it to be tomorrow. Like asap. Aku dah tak tahan dah macam ni. I mean, I am already like crap, and I cant do much about it, I am stuck here, plus things around me are as crapish as ever, nothing is much of a help, well, there are, very little, what more can I ask for, yeap, to just move asap and just get away from things. perhaps yeah, it is high time for me to move to a new place. Tell me something sweet just to get me by.

Hang nak menyebok banyak mana pun tak pa eh, aku tak kisah.

These few days, i might sound as if i am high on cocaine or some crap ive been swallowing, but trust me, i am clean. Might be due to less food intake. I might just be a little odd, might question or say many odd things that u would never expect me to say or ask in a gazillion years, might be very honest too, be very ignorant also, not forgetting selfish, and also be very cautious or over thinking things, and might pretend, or even pretend as if i am dead, i might just notice every little small stupid thing.

First, you have to believe in it. Then, it will happen.

God willing.

But the sad details or the promises that i make

Ciz. Got ciz, got it all.

Haih, sebenarnya, its perty hard to bottle things inside you. especially, when u feel its so unfair. and ur being such an ass also. and u also dont deserve it. and that u deserve a kick on ur ass. and a slap on ur chubby cheeks too. haih. time. people say time will heal everything, people say you can take your time, for as long as you want. but ever thought, what if that time never comes. or your jsut simply too tired to wait for that time ? what about choices ? too little, is a problem. too many too is a problem. dont over do it, or dont under do it. sometimes, have u ever thought, just for a second in your life, do u actually deserve it ? do u deserve it all and to say all those ? and that, have u ever thought in your life u shudnt have treated or done someone like that in the first place ? dont u feel guilty and the tidak patutness and the need to make amends. how does it feel like if somebody were to treat u like that plak ? yeah, anything that you want and anything that makes you happy. Fair deal ? and if the solution is not there ? what do we do ? still need to find the solution ? even if its somewhere else ? what I feel tonite ? like crap i feel, ok ? and arent ur wings big enough ? and i know i shouldnt be like that but who cares. seriously, thats the only thing ? crap you. yeah, why am i not surprise im not the first in the list. and its like, still the same ol same ol, later ? and how boredom kills, not the person, but the situation, it can bore me to death, u might not realize that yet. i hear this, i hear that, all i hear is crap, and i see nothing is being done. like that ? just kiss it all better. oh and suck pig tities. and i know my place and position between u and me. i wont go overboard. yeah, what do i have ? when you dont have a plan, what do you do ? perty heavy. you would crash and burn if u were to know and give me a glass of gasoline and let me burn to death.

You must be broken by a thousand ways of wasted time
Get to the point then off the hundred lines awake
No need to change my mind, that clean a shade of thinking time
But i seem to think more than i act upon those things

I want to slap and kick you, can I ?

Seriously, ang tak dak keja laen. aku rasa macam nak blurt every effing thing that comes to my mind right now to you and see how will your reaction be. and right after that, you may want to hate me, I dont care.

Now you get it ?

I wish you got that or paham that 10 years ago.

You know what I want to do ? Seriously ?

I want to die, or even hibernate and just dig a whole and die in it for as long as I want. And fuck off, dont bother to speak or care or anything to or about me. because u know why ? I am fucking tired and sick and fed up. And u know what, kiss. my. ass !

I hope I didnt loose or miss anything.

Its complicated. I dont know what I feel or what I want or what I wana do actually. Some part id like to say, i wish u knew how u made me feel and how I felt and how ive been going thru, while u were out there. some said, i wish you can take everything back, or, yeah, pay it back, give me back the time, give me back my time that i should have, i want u to pay it back for me. due to well, unfairness and me not being outspoken enough, or wasnt even, at all. I wish i tried harder to get not what i want, but what i really need. I wish I fought for it and not just wait and see how things were. I wish i was in control of myself. What i needed the most, as essential part of my life. some say, i may want u to feel it back. i just dont know.

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending
Like we never had a chance

Do you have to make me feel like
So there's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better
To watch me while I bleed?

All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here, watch you disappear
Yeah oh
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper

I am becoming less of me and more of you.

Damn. nope. Not a good thing.

I paid my last respects this mornin' on an early grave
Already said goodbye, nothin left to say
A tiny church a tiny town and not a tear was spent
Not how I wanted it, I'm hating all of this

Well I'm hating, all of this
I'm hating, all of this
All of this, all of this
Now I know why, I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
You came along, and tore this wall down around me
Looks like you found me
Now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning

I've been a loser all my life, I'm not about to change
If you don't like, there's the door, nobody made you stay
There ain't a woman on the planet who can deal with it
Just how I wanted it, I'm hating all of this

Well I'm hating, all of this
I'm hating, all of this
All of this, all of this
Now I know why, I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
You came along, and tore this wall down around me
Looks like you found me
Now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning

All of this, All of this
Now I know why, I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
You came along, and tore this wall down around me
Looks like you found me
Now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking
and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream "are we having fun yet?"

it's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you

And this is how, you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how, you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking
and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream "are we having fun yet?"

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what i really am
This is how you remind me
Of what i really am

Someone falls to pieces
Sleeping all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
To finally drift away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
Catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave

To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
And another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Until the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united?
Healthy or insane?

To be yourself is all that you can do

And even when you've paid enough, been pulled apart or been held up
With every single memory of the good or bad faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright

You may win or lose

But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Being called an idiot right at your face. Not once, not twice, but I think it was three times.

That kinda hurts and its quite uncool, but yeah, I have to agree, its perrty true.

Take a rocket back to the pass.

Lets rewind, rethink about last time. wayyy back when we were young, haha, zaman lower secondary, form one till three. While looking thru stuff, those precious, oh my, the memories, the joy, the happy stuff, daymnnn. haha.

Way back when we were still QUITE suci, haha. well, i still do curse, haha. we never hated anyone, oh no i hated teachers, esp my seni teacher, haha, i really dont like her til now. yes among us, we were friends with everyone, doesnt matter what your skin color is or your religion or where u come from.

I guess I was the type who would go out there and give hugs like its somekind of charity or welfare crap, haha. And kisses too i guess. I was friends with many, talked hell lot, laugh uncontrollably, did perty stupid things and often make a fool out of myself, love was in the air, spreading love. I was happy, jolly, just happy. At this point now, I feel I was at peace last time, nothing bothered me so much, well, being emo is always in my list.but it was, because we have friends, because we have a special buddy, because we had each other, because we just couldnt be bothered and all we wanted is to just have fun. how sweet it was.

and now I wonder, what happen to me along the way. Why the eff did I just change. What happen to that girl. I miss her, apparently.

And I remember, malina, tan, fitree, azim, ok fine mr spotlighted jerk hhaha, cheah, theva, thatchu, dharshu, yashni, sapa g aa, haha, dah kot. simply to say, warga A3, i apparently miss those times. =)

I’ve been waiting on the sun set, pills on my mind said
I can’t deny that,
Getting high, high, higher than my income
Income’s breadcrumbs
I’ve been trying to survive
They call it the sun is right around the sun set
Helps me to realize, that this is just a journey,
Drop your worries, you are gonna turn out fine
Turn out fine, fine, oh oh, turn out fine

But you gotta keep your head up
And you can let your hair down

Now I know it’s hard, I know it’s hard to remember sometimes
But you gotta keep your head up
And you can let your hair down

I got my hands in my pockets kicking these rock
It’s kinda hard to watch this life go by
I’m buying into skeptics, skeptics mess with
The comfort is in my eyes, I’m seeing on the angle
Stone skin tangle I start to compromise
My life and my purpose is it all worth it
Am I gonna turn out fine,
Turn out fine, fine, oh oh, turn out fine
But you gotta keep your head up
And you can let your hair down

Now I know it’s hard, I know it’s hard to remember sometimes
But you gotta keep your head up
And you can let your hair down

Now all you rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again
And it’s just circle circle lane
Around again it comes around again
I said all you rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again
And it’s just circle circle lane
Around again it comes around

But you gotta keep your head up
And you can let your hair down
And I know it’s hard, I know it’s hard to remember sometimes
But you gotta keep your head up
And you can let your hair down



*Yeap, i dont move on that easily. I find it hard to forget. especially when I get angry or get sad or get hurt. I just dont SIMPLY JUST move on.

I forgot.

What I wanted was rather as if I am asking God to grow a penis on a woman's vagina or grow a vagina on a man's penis. yeap. I forgot. So its either its just either I take it or I leave it. If that is what I get and what I have, then just take it and appreciate and value it. Dont complain so much.

But on the other hand, eff that. I am just so tired. Give more, expect less, yadda2.

Pork Pie.

Lesson number one. Dont sleep with an angry thought in your head. It ruins your beauty sleep and u will find it very hard to actually fall asleep.

Lesson number two. Try not to get up with the first thing in your head is that angry thought. If you had no choice but to be in that state, never mind then.

Lesson number three. Dont keep thinking about the angry thought or u wont be able to be lazing and snoozing around.

Lesson number four. Simply just dont bother to get angry. Be more rational, relevant, understanding, gentle, subtle, mild, whatever u can think of. Because, yeah, I cannot act as if I am the only human being in this world who has needs.

And I really need help. To get thru all this. mentally, physically, emotionally. And by that I mean, self-help. I cant wait for people. I mean, we only have 24hours a day, so many things to do and handle, in that I also need to sleep, eat, shit, pee. And that I will get tired almost half of the day already. So yeah, I cant complain about the hours in a day but then I should manage my time well and make a master plan. And seriously, I dont care, I really dont care, call me 10 times for all I care, I dont care. And I cant believe I was in tears.

Macam tu la noh. Wat la sepoloh kali lagi camtu.

crab.

It wasnt excitement or happiness or eagerness or whateverness, it was fear that I felt. A fear, and a hole that has been dug at the center of my heart. But, at least I found my soft spot in that house, which is my room, its pinky2 btw, haha. And that i wished somebody was there since yesterday thruout this whole crap.

And that, i tend to see that as I grow older, the less patient i am, like trust me, very the very not patient. I used to be very understanding and patient, now I just lost that part of me. Maybe because I just simply grew fond of being that way or I just got used to the way people treated me that way hence I got that habit now. greatttt. just greaatt.

Notion.

1. I do not like waiting.
2. 5 plus 5 is 10. you dont have to press the calculator to check whether 5 plus 5 is equals to 10 or not.

=)

I must always remember this.

So why bother. Why depend. Why care. Why get so stressed up so easily. Why the frown. Why the sadness. Why the crap. Why so down. Just why every single damn thing.

I wish I have a pet pig. or cat. or hamster. or dog.

So then I can be talking to it when I have any single crap that I want to say.

You know what.

Whatever. I am tired.

These are two different, obviously different things.

You might have run and managed a whole department successfully on your own, but you dont run and manage your family like how you do it in your department. And you dont treat your family members like how you treat your workers.

I, personally, would castrate your penis, or your vagina if you were to treat me like that.

And that I keep saying I am moving next year but next year is like 3 weeks moreee ~ sighh.

Yeah, do that just right.

SPM DAY TEN ~ OMG, OMG OMGGGGGG !

Yes, omg, haha, KJ201A114, you may kiss my ass goodbye. Goodbye spm 2011 !!!

Yes, I was smiling and screaming like an ass for approximately 20 minutes. and then, it was somewhat a battle in me of trying to just survive. Ok, get this. You can pee, you can shit, on your own, PERFECTLY, just the thing is, your parents would not let you piss or shit without their help, worse, even going to the loo on your own.Even that, yes.

That is what I call piece of crap. Enough said.

You are funny.

You can kiss my ass.

Give me some happy, good aura. Or nevermind, I will go and hunt it down for my own sake.

Or else I will just simply screw myself and Accounts tomorrow.

We are moving out the shit.

Gah.

I loikee that face. I am as fat as crap and as happy as well, not that happy, one more to go, esokkkk ! ok la, im quite worried laaaa, sebab i suck at it, and damn crap la. Im thinking what is the best thing to do esok, I knowww, I want it, I want to do this thing, but yeahh anyways, so I guess il just plant my butt and be a potato couch and watch whatever I have and be the happiest shortest girl for the rest of the nite. yeappp, after the next day, I wont. I have to start facing realities of life. first, book tickets. and then, start packing my ass out.

When you have a handphone or a line that works worse than your asshole.

Yeap, that is my current condition now.

Eventho I am veghyyyy farrrr away from finishing what I should know in accounts, but and also I do wish I start dari awai, instead of dua hari bfore the d-day, but anyways, i pray to god keluaq la apa yang aku dok buat. haha. But yeah, I am glad, that, ok fine, accounts is goooddd. like admathss, its good when u can do, its crap when u cant.

Maxis why u so fish ~

Hurmmm, for the fact that I have to wait for almost X hours, and I have to keep on waiting and waiting and waiting, and also in the coming future, and that I see a lot, much more than this, hurmmmmmm ~ I wonder what will come out from my mouth that will be heard by your ears. Just dont do it so often or I will shut myself, that is for sure.

Do not mess with me when my so called best friend is around the corner.

Firstly, dont you ever dare say to me that it is all in my head. What the fish u mean by its all in my head if thats the only thing I see as I enter the goddamn house every other fish time of my life. That is very sickening fyi. You can talk to me about other sense of life that you might have that I do not have at my age right now, but dont you come and talk to me about sense of cleanliness and properness in the house, i have better sense in it more than you can ever think of. And how am I going to instill it in you right now ?

And what the fish of pressing the send button ten times just to send a text, and whats best is its not even sent yet. Oh goodness, I almost trashed my phone. I cant call nor text and people cant reach me either.

Accounts now is better, I can say 20 percent. haha. well, thats the only upside that I have. that pun, not very convincing. Downside, no more walking dead on tv. must dl it.

Rempz.

hurmmmm... o_O

Oh god, siottt, aku tak bole blah dowhh orang cakap keyalll. oh gooddd. dowwwhh. haha

Accounts ? what accounts ?

FOOODDD ~ AI WAN MORE FOOODDDD ~

I would like to go to places.

i am very observant....at gatherings or social event
i noticed that people are getting so unreal and some are lost... confuse
due to inability to have a decent chat...lack of reading....or simply too artistic to express her/his feelings.

- nicee

What is wrong actually by being a part of the minority ?

I like that.

Tiring.

That is. I can see that now. And no, this is not how I picture things. Read my lips and mark my words, this is not how I am going to live.