We all die a little inside.

You want everything but you can never have everything. But, I wish I could have a little much more than something.

Yeapp, and I wish I can say that to myself. Good for you, just great.

After an hour or so, or what I felt was like 10 years of screaming my lungs out, I just realized that I have my own life to take care of. And especially my health to take care of right now. But most importantly, my SPM to take care of.

Jolly Lolly. Why the face ? Dont worry, bee happy. Paved Paradise.

sorry I walked passed by without looking, yes, u can say GOTCHA ! to me. thanks. Appreciate it.

What I saw today was, jiwa orang muda. we cry, we scream, we shout, we jump, we sweat. We get angry one minute, and we cry the other minute. We say many things that we dont mean, we still crawl back to sth that we want the most, we still find for things. All we want is have a good time. Just a good time. Its like this, you swim 2omiles, u run another 100 miles, under the hot sun without water to drink, and u end up with, is this what I get ? But u keep going and going and going, till you grow tired of it, well, if u will even. Yeah, what I saw was youngsters who can rock their asses and scream like hell, I wish I could. I wish I could do much more than that. Enough said.

Nice pose, hurh ?

Well, it was more than I ever wanted. But I beg to differ. Is this it ? If it is, yeah boy and doll face, think about it.

And I dont need to come home after a long day of stupid school as if I am swimming in the sea and to get that kind of response. Seriously, no, thank you.

Yes, I am perty tired, and I am tired of holding it in. I have been for idk how long.

Its nice to have a long hot bath and go on with a cup of water, on the bed, with sejarah form four by ur side. ZZZzzzzZzZ ~

Everything happens for a reason. Be it anything at all.

I might not have this, have that right now. Or being able to do this and that right now. Things are not like how it was. There must be a reason for everything that is happening now. I know for a fact that I need to be patient, patient as in I have to wait till next year to see some changes, yeapp, but time flies. and grow up and realize and adapt to these changes. Maybe God is teaching me how to be grateful, appreciate things around me and not take things for granted. Thats really true, I take many things for granted. I am always not aware of how privileged I am, of how fortunate I am. To have family, my parents especially. And my buddies. And mr bf of coz. haha. I mean, seriously, what more do I want, right ? So, I should be grateful and not act as if I am half dead or something. I hope to remain very neutral in life for now.

I need to be all geared up for tomorrow.

Oh god, please let me be normal, like how I am. the Happy, the not worried, the not so stressed up, the patient, the girl whom i used to be. and mostly my health. I would like to enjoy my day tomorrow. Amin.

Dear mr bf, I want kitties like thisss ! hahaha

As ridiculous, as crappish as I can be.

I might not be the happiest girl on earth that day, or considered even close to that, but I will try, yes, I WILL TRY my best not to be a nuisance to anyone, cause trouble and or take away anybodys happy time away from them. I will try not to be a spoil sport, I will try to be cooperative and behave and be supportive. ermmm, what else. Oh, I have half in mind to be crazy and do something stupid or ok la, just do something crazy la, likee, perform on stagee. hahaha. anyways, i hope for the best for myself. I am taking a hugee risk in this. I hope I survive. the end. hahah

I miss that scent.

And I am tired but I want to study but I am afraid that nothing will enter my brain. And that I feel so wrong. gah. Yeap, tak kena lagi. haha

If you want to see what is possible.

omg

Little notes from outer space.

schweeetttt. ^_^

ok la okehhh. sory la for being too emotional lately. moody, pathetic, buat trok, apa g, oh emoo. add on to selfishness too. I feel very bad and sorry because of my selfishness, im thinking about myself so much that I dont think of others, of the problems and the worries and the heartaches im causing, but yet still i cant help but to express myself. I cant help it but to be like that because i feel like i need to cater to everyones needs that nobody really wants to cater mine. but thats not true right ? and many more actually. aaaa, panic attack ? haha no la maybe slight depression. i think sebab dah lama xp skolah and berjumpa dgn orang ramai, jd mcam ni la, almost psycho. I shall not buat terok and act as if im anorexic what crap, hahaha. ok fine, esok skola, lusa pun. i cant wait ahad tho i feel like crying and ranting rite now sebab memanggg tak dakk moood but ok fine, lets look at the brighter side. and idky i just cannot seem to get a grip of myself, or at least mature even the slightest bit. daymn.

My school years are almost coming to an end. i dont think i want it to end in an ugly way. I will miss a couple of people veghy2 much. And yeah, it kinda sucks that i am not going for the jamuan, what sucks is when u see jamuan pictures, im not in it, haha, mana la memory form five kita kan, but yeah, i have my own reasons also. one is to avoid from being a lost puppy, trust me i really hate that. so i rather miss all of it than feeling as if i am drowning in the ocean. and another one is to actually go to fulfill that one wish, i want to, but its not worth it, its worth it, but things are making it not, so why put myself thru it.

ok fine, i hear this, i hear that.aiman this, aiman that, aiman dont this, aiman dont that. relaxxxx. study ja okayh. ignore. actually, i cant wait for spm to end, life would be effing good after that. one huge burden gone. but then a hugerrr one haha is coming. i see myself in kdu, hurmm, complicated.

ok, bottomeeee lineee isss. im kinda worried if i cannot get thru it or ace it ya knowww. okeehh3 fine, good thoughts now. everything will be alright. I can do this.

ada masa g, got timeee, always got timeee. haha

Time2 exam la aku kena jadi macam ni.

Let me get this straight.

You still dont know ? Like, you really dont know ? Oh goodness, then just shut up when its your turn. Dont make it as if you are the only one. And please dont blame me.

Nampak ketarakah dilema di wajahku ?

Di luarnya tenang tapi Tuhan sahaja tahu.

Oh godddd.

What can i dooooo ???? I want but then errrr, but errrr, I need it rite now. I am a normal human being who has her own needs pun kannnn.. hurmmmm. o_O talking about needs and being herself.

Will they sing it to others ?

Idk what or what or whatt, but i seriously dont know what is happening rite now. I mean how comee.

That is not my name.

To make it worse, that is not me.

Colors are not just colors. It is a statement.

I am an owl. I am nocturnal. But I do not have wings to fly.

If I keep being an owl, lets say for a week or so, my spm is going down the drain and I may have insomnia or what some crap. So okey2, I am going to adjust my clock back, hurmmm, and face life the way I should face it. Be neutral. Do not bother about anything except for books. Bare with it. Just go thru it. Hang in there. It is okay if you want A but you get B or you end up not getting anything at all. Or you want or expect A there, but A isnt there so you go for B. For gods sake stop hoping for anything or hope for so much. Stop being so immature and clingy and yeah. And take my brain and focus it on something. Ok dah kot. And I love possum, and otter and beaver and weird creatures like that, haha.

Quid Pro Quo

What for What ?

And I do expect that quite a lot from certain people. Not just Whattt.

And is it wrong for me to expect such a thing ?

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Squinched up your face and did a dance
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Juno, must watch againnn.

Girl, I say, if only life would lean our way,
Well, you and me, we'd run away to be wherever our adventure awaits,
And time would be a distant memory, nobody could tell us to stay,
Well, I've been dreaming ever since I've seen your heaven when you came my way.

I heard your heart say love, love, love

Oh, it's seems awfully far for us to find it all,
Oh, all this years will wash away and we'll be claimed but we'll have nothing more,
Well I can't say there'll come another day where money and time will fall,
And on our hands, our wrinkles understand we never really wanted more.

I heard your heart say love, love, love

And all the life about to go is in my mind,
Cause all the loudest voices in the world whenever I...

I heard your heart say love, love, love

cooliee mooliee

Crap has its name. And crap has its way to your life.

Hurm, random2. Do not bother my oh-so-pathetic-and-still-so-sad-17-year-old-hormones that I cannot seem to get a grip of.

Nope, I am not feeling content nor cloud nine about things around me.

I do feel well, terbiaq ? not terbiar, thats not the word, I know why but its just shit, ok, shit ? And I am trying not to blame right now tho I wish I can and idk la kan. Idky I think that way, some might say its right, I dont know which part I belong to. hmph. ok fine, I blame myself for this, i make mistakes, this is my fault, my mistake, I should have known and know the lines, in the future, I need to set things straight and to never let anyone cross that line of mine. Talking about being yourself and human rights i suppose.

Every single damn thing is ending one by one. First its my Physics class, Mr Phua. Yes I love him and he was the first adult whom I approached when I almost fainted coz of my trials results. and its physics dude, that is like the only thing i kinda like and that i can kinda do tu pun nyawa2 ikan and yeah, idk, its heavy for me, and wishing that I could say oh please, stop, I would like to learn more from you. And then now is Cikgu Aziz, need I say more ? nopeeee.

And many, school for instance, ok fine I HATE SCHOOL. mmg, ibrahim milik rizal. but ill miss it, not the school, but the people. I have some that I have in my head la yang I will totally miss. haih. its,just,so,sad. damn it sucks, ok. And to start it all of with are you willing to have a crapish talk with me ? hahaha

And that thing, for gods sake, we are in the same school, and idk that. no, its not a big deal at all but sorry but it gives me quite a big picture of the life later on, the future. what would it be if i were to be in a different state now ? I think I have to ask every single living, well every single thing that I can ever think of. And oh please, I hope I dont have to la.

i am worried that i am not worried about spm. ada la rasa bahang kehangatannya, but tak cukup g, aku stil bole pakai bikini and say the heat is not even tanning my skin ! i can still sleep for four hours straight, konon nak revive myself, and wait for hallow scream every nite till 2am just to watch a stupid movie that shrinks ur balls and bladders. yeap, tak dak nilai pon cita2 tu, well ada la ckit. mostly is, what comes around goes around, kita nak wat jhat, igtlah akibat dia, tuja. great, just great.

where is my neutral feeling when i need it the most. wheres the chocolaate cake when i really need it the most.

And then kalo aku p tnya orang len, aku dpt tau laen, mau la keluaq perkataan retard.

And in the end, we say, keep calm. haha. look who is saying.

And i had ? have, have visions of how I was when I moved here from pg to sp. now its sp to pg. I am scared that I will have to go thru the damn cycle again.

Yeap, I am not ready for everything. These changes. things ending slowly one by one. Yeah, the eff stop saying its going to end, like the last step we will ever take, hahaha, exaggerate la tu, its just i cant help it but to have that thing at the back of my head.

I am very bad in absorbing things more so accepting and living with changes.

And yeap, I am not suppose to do thiss but I felt like it. Xtaula nk guilty ka tak ka apa.

Anyways, life goes on with studyingg. hehehe. ^_^

I did not fruit anything today. I may tonight.

In my 17 years of life, this is my first time experiencing such feeling and oh my I tell you, one of the worst feelings I could ever feel in my life. Although I am 17, no, what is worse is I am 17 and I felt it that way. I wonder how others would totally feel. As far as I am concern, I do not wish to feel it anytime soon now, and that is because I do not have the whole day for myself to recover.

What. On. Earth. Were, You. Thinking.

And I would like to dig a hole and die. Dont you do that again. Thank you. I mean, it is not necessary or that I am practically begging you to do it.

I AM A PANDA !

satu lagi, aku bukak la fesbook di hari deepavali ini. kot2 la ada apa bgoih an. ada lak yang kata hindu2 hingaq la apa la dok men mercun, makin lama makin bising. nih, ass hang la, raya melayu tu tak hingaq la ? tu dok men mercun sampai nak sebulan tu xdak kacau tidoq orang laen la yang dok kena p keja ada hal suma ? budak merempit sana sini time raya tak hingaq la ? bagoih punya view la ? What the eff la hampa suma ni. aku bukan la nk kata aku ni bagoih sgt ka apa ka, i admit of coz i am not, tapi wey, come on la wey. why u nak bising sgt, we do the same, and i think we do worse than them. tapi pernah ka depa bising ? hindu2 yg hang dok bsing tu jgak la kdg2 lagi baek utk berkwan drpd melayu2 ni. think about it.

Oh, you think so ?

Sometimes, I need something else. Sometimes, other people is needed in your life. Not for anything or for what. I need to listen to other people, not about what they have to tell about me or what they think of me, seriously I do not want to bother actually. I would like to listen to your views, your problems, your thoughts. It opens me up, not much, or at least not so little, but at least aku tau la di luar sana tu ada la kehidupan, ada la dunia. My point here is, we need people around us, like it or not. It makes me feel, ok wait, what the hell happenedddd ? Aku tak p skolah like bapa hari and like hurhhh ? hahaa.

Yeah, yeah, that is the only compensation.

Nope, I am not up to anything right now. I am done for today.

woman are sensitive, they over think every little thing and they care way more than they should, but that's what makes their love so strong

Never count on someone to come & fix your broken heart because someday he/she will break it again & again. Just stand up over your feet, take the time you need & fix it with your own hands. It is your own heart so, no one can take good care of it but YOU...

Carbon copy.

I would kill you if I could.

U know that ? U get that ? Ok ? OKEEEEEE ? ok fine, I have like hurmmm, sebulan tu tahan ? ha ok la. fine.

I know, its like super random and that I dont even know the existence of this girl, well I do, but she certainly does not know mine and dengan muka tak malu nya I cant help it but to press the like button on her status on facebook. I feel you girl, I feel you. haha. dah, sekian. back to spm life yang xseberapa spm ini.

hurmmm. I seriously, frankly hate this right now.

It is when u can or u want to do sth, but u cannot do it due to some reasons that is way out of ur power.

It is when now ur doing it and now ur seeing it when u could have 10 years ago.

It is when I say, wat penat aku ja.

IT is when I say I could have done better. I could have done much more.

It is when I say, haih, I am soooo worried that there is nothing much I can do.


All in all, I say, I.DONT.KNOW.

Eating Hearts

Cool hurh ?

Yeah. F logic

AIMAN MONTEL

HAAAAA, yeeah. aku memang montel. pipi aku bengkak and aku booolattt. hahahah. memang disarankan untuk berjogging time petang2.

Perghhhh ~~~

I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself

I would like to save cats.

Please help me to forget about everything. After sleeping for more than what I feel like 24 hours, at last I summoned up the courage to get up and start my Friday.

What an Atomic Structure by some Chadwick guy ?

I hereby would like to say that I am a NEUTRON. Oh yes, I am a neutral particle, sharing my space with le proton which is positively charged particle. And we both are of the same number. We are both stationed in a secure placed called the nucleus where most of the weight of the atom is from the nucleus.

Around me, le neutron and my fellow le proton are orbiting shells that are filled with le electrons or we may say negatively charged particles. With Gods grace and power, I hope that le orbit will always stay in its position and that le electrons wont stray away from its orbit.

Le electrons can orbit and circulate le neutron ( me ) and le proton in our nucleus as much as it wants, but never ever do come and visit our nucleus. Your are not welcome !

Sometimes, being concern is good. And it is nice to u know, being concern n all, but its shit when the other person doesnt relize it, or see it, or appreciate it. And whats worse, they take it the other way. Its either they scold back or retort. HelLo ! Think again. I hate being over concern sometimes, I know its not good also.

Sometimes it is fine to say TAK APA and WAT BODO. and wat selfish and go on with ur life. Buat masa skang, no, now la kan, we cannot try and be a hero and try and save the whole world dah. Aku pon dah tak tau la nk camna. Come what may, sekrang ni, kita macam dalam perahu sendiri. Dayung lah kamu sampai habes spm sendiri. Walaupon pnuh dengan spare tyre macam aku nihh, haha.

Sometimes, its fine to hate and dislike things. But to hate so maany things, is that how you want ur life to be. Filled with hatred ? Lets check again. As for my life, I still hate some, especially today memang aku pangkah hang terok2 punya lah, just the things is, fuck la wey, give it a break. You cannot practically go around and hate everybody and act as if you are goddamn purrrrfect. Nobody is owkay.

And then pulak, MOOOVEEEE LAAAAA WEYYY ! adoih. move on ok, move on. pasepa pon aku tak tau la.

Jangan paksa aku p skolah !

And, God willing, I cann make it thru. I can do this. ^_^

Never ever talk to me like that or say things to me like that. I may act as if I am dumb or apa ka, but never ever blame on other things selaen me in this.

Pyro.

I wish I can slowly curl up in ur arms and on your lap and slowly drift away and die.

Soft spot, where are you?

I didnt get it ka tak cukup ka apa. what is not enough. adoi. tak tau. tak kena. i want like that, but its not like that, i want like that, normally is not like that. i want like that, but didnt get like thattt. then like whatttt.

Hands down. I give up. I am going to read sejarah form five now.

Apparently, I have this thing called school tomorrow. Half way thru my life now, im thinking, why the hell am i going again tomorrow. I hope something or somebody tomorrow will make my day at school worth it.

OH GODDDD.

Why now, whyyyyyyyyyyyy !

And I will kill you. haha

I will go to school tomorrow. Possibility for it to suck like shit is 80-20. Yeapp. If it sucks like shit tomorrow. then Ill say bye2 to wednesday and thursday.

I really dislike school.

And please dont make me feel like as if I am talking to the wall or the tv. darn it.

You will be very successful in your life.

That hit me hard.

Now3, kadang2 aku rasa tak dak makna jugak la jadi budak science. Just a thought in my oh not so productive monday morning * and mind u i tried studying ok, 3 chaps and i slept and ate, harapkan ttn shja * and even though i have my p already but I still havent drove anywhere yet. preghh. my point here is, semua ada pros and cons. pros nya kita budak science, byk la jugak pilihan. cons nya, ni lah attitude budak science.

Im just thinking, mana nya kita punya support. aku tau, aku ckp byk pasepa, skola pon xreti2 nk p, support ibrahim konon, hari sukan pon xp, no i really dont give a f about ibrahim la. ni nya, kawan2 kita, our friends, all of our form five friends. seego2 ka se xreti kita wat kawan ngn orang laen, this goes to me sebab aku xramai kawan kan, one person once said to me, u may think people around u are not important, but believe it or not, they will be important at some point later. idk la nk kata ya ka x sebab i wont be here for long, but itkinda make sense jugak la.

Kita cakap senang, ini itu, but we are not behind the curtains and doing it. kita maybe x rasa berat macam mana diorang rasa. a thought, is our behavior making it worse for them ? bare in mind, semua bdak form five akan amek spm jgak.

N i get the whole spm nk mai suma, i know, dalam ini, kita nak p pon, tertakluk kpd parents kita nk bg x, same goes to me pon, my dad expects me to eat shit sleep study spm, mmg la, tinggai bp hari ja lagi. everyone is worried, i get it. tapi a thought again, is that two or four tops five hours ur spending on this on some sunday or some day will effect your study time and make u get 10 aplus. sorry im exaggerating but i have no choice but to sebab everyone around me is. for me, in my pov, no, it wont, apa guna u study tunggang terbalek, sampai family, kawan2 u ignore, but its not quality studying. for me, i believe, u give me 30 minutes or one hour of solid, quality studying, aku rasa dh ckup and brpuas hati dah.

i know spm is coming, yea, u can still have fun, xkan la nk eat shit sleep spm, apa benda pon xyah wat kan, we still need to get some fresh air, i very need that also. well i am getting it, by not going to school. u worry, of coz u worry, tolong letak effort. jangan u xletak effort, tapi u pergi ja enjoy and balek maseh worry. bek tak payah worry. betul tak ? apa guna u worry kalau u setakat worry. u have the willpower, execute pls.

now3, lets get back to life. ^_^

I’d love to see myself from a boy’s perspective.

I wonder. hahah

Many, i suppose.

Aku pon nak IPHONE jugakkkk ! hahaha. oh damn. i so miss it skang ni.

Masok g dalam lubang jamban. hahaha

“Relationships aren’t just about finding the right partner, but also about BEING the right partner.”

oh yess

very deep.

She was standing there by
The Broken Tree
Her hands are all twisted
She was pointing at me
I was dammed by the light coming
Out of her eyes
She spoke with a voice that
Disrupted the sky
She said "walk on over here to
The bitter shade"
I will wrap you in my arms
And you will know you have been saved
Let me sign

No, wait, breathe.

Setiap orang ada rezeki masing2. seperti aku, tak setinggi orang2 laen. hahah. terima saja.

Suma orang ada plus and minus points dia. we all have to love every bits of it. Most of all, accept it and embrace it.

Yeah, its the same.

Yeah, I totally get it, I can do the same right now but because I know how fuckingly it sucks if I were to do so. Right now. So i choose not to. tak baek.

Yeah. xsemestinya kita akan dapat semua yang kita nak, or like how we want it to be. If we dont get it, its fine, tapi bila orang laen dapat or get like how they want it, dont be mean and take it away from them. Justice is not served to yourself, but at least you serve it to others. It still counts, I suppose.

I totally understand everything , aku paham la tapi kena la fikir orang laen sama jugak. haisyo itu pon mau kena habaq ka.

Let me sign .

It takes effort. It takes patience. It takes much more than that.

It takes every single living part of your body to go through it.

Nyummmm3 ~ hehehe

Le pointeee ? manyyy.

Sekarang tension sebab tak tension.

Firstly, I suka sooo mucho much amalinas blog post owkayy about the whole damn stupid thing. btw i just so love it, haha. and im so fed up of listening about it sebab still, people out there are dieing of poverty and the war. but this ? nobody died.

Yeah, kepada semua yang terasa, SO TAK MATANG OWKAYH ! MOST OF US SUMA DAH 17, SUMA BADAN LEBEYH BESAQ DARIPADA AKU, SO ACT LA THAT WAY, hehehehhe. sudah. haha.

betui, apa guna studious sgt pdahal benda simple pun xle wat, nk communicate, nk bkejesama pon xleh. tu xpalah lagi, hang xmo support hang punya psai la, ni kutuk sana sini, buat mulut sana sini, rilek la bhai, sudah la bhai, hang nk ego, nk ketegaq, nk wat prangai bodo sampai mana. hang nk smpai puaih mana meh habq mai. nk organise benda2 cnni, bak kaata ckgu zuraida, xdak kredibiliti, x berketerampilan. i really felt her that morning, kepada sesiapa yang xrasa kesian ka bsalah, shoot yourself !

yeap, jgn just study smata2, im partly that also, keja xreti buat, haha, fine la i can do it if u give me the trust, i just dont. and i know, i love skipping school, owkayhh2, im not so perfect either, haha. i just keep remembering sorang ni ckp, apa guna u dok mengadap buku 24/7 pon, xdak life la wey. now i say, agak la.

we these days are too much to ourselves, books, technology, xle dgr tmbah2 terima pendapat orang. nak present diri sendiri pun xreti. some xrespect elders. i feel mcm banyak of us, including me of course, lack of those normal, natural humanly things u know. those qualities that we should have. Something that we call insan ? entah.

based on I am sam la, Sam doesnt need to be super smart or have an IQ more than 7 kalo x silap, with enough love, he won the case. What im trying to say is, idk, im too lazy to think. haha

so seeing this, I want to help. i knowww2 dah byk dah ajk suma, xpyah dok menyebok, ada jgak posibility xboleh pergi, but i wana give it a shot and try and go. kalo xpergi pun, i want to do sth. since i heard they want it to be grand-ish ka apa2, if xsilap la, i want to try n sumbang if i have any ideas.

ok fine. sekarang genap sebulan nak spm. yea aku tak panic sangat la lagi. yeah aku gila. study pun tak sangat la lagi. yeah aku double gila. haha. bole kaata xstudy laaaa. yeaaahhh2 il study tonite. kepada yg laen2, yeah. btui, pujuk la study mcm mana pun, kalo diri sendiri tak nak, tak boleh nak wat apa. paksa la mcam mana pun, xdak guna. its all bergantung on u, your own will, nk study, study, xnak study, up to u. but dah critical dah ni.

it felt good to smell the penang air. after for shoooooo3 manyyy months, felt like a year. it just felt good. but booosannnn, i almost fainted bcuz of awesome boredome. baju dua ja bekenan, ksut, xdak. damn it kan. whyyyyy ~

dah kot bazir masa. jom bca sains subject. pause sebentar, i wish i drop acc. hehehe.

and u, yes u, i will give u a lecture some day.

I dont know what or why or what the fuck.

But what I know is I might have to publish a novel for that. Why???

Is it nice to treat someone like that ? I never knew.

My squishy butt is itchyyy ~

- Ok, today was good. I am glad i went for the haji thing, but not school. haji thing was good, at least i blajaq la benda n did remember some. n dapat dok ngn anis and malina. thank u for tht, ada la rasa kelegaan dalam hidup sebentar. At some point in school, i said, apa aku dapat kalo p skolah. apa guna aku p skolah kalo cam ni. no one, nothing is apparently able to make me like school again. i just see nothing there. what i did learn is a chap of agama, how to increase yield in production of rice which is hydrophonic, aerophonic, btui ka ni haha. idk la. thats all.

- How i wish i can treat u like how u treat me. wouldnt it be nice. aha. if its karma, then why must karma slap me hard in the face rite now.

- At least i put some brain. at least i put some rationality in it. at least i put some effort. at least i put the word trying in it. at least i am. and i am actually nothing like that at all.

- u know u need every single living cell in your living organism to get thru it. u know it, u know that. but why the heck arent u working that every bloody cell in your living body to do something. oh god. benda ni sendiri tau la. kalo dah tau kan, do la sth. not keep talking about it.

- i like it when i ask someone to smile, n that someone will smile. not instantly is fine for me, but later on when i come back and see u, n when u do smile just bcuz i asked u to, thank u for that.

- i may know, i may pretend i dont know, i may not know at all. but i would like to dig it all out like gold and sieve thru it and take the ones that are valuable and throw the ones that are not.

- if u know how much that it is not like me, u would kiss me for it.

- at least i bother. at least i ask.

- that is not how to be a good listener. never ever retort or bantah whatever another person is saying unless u know ur having a conversation rather than lending your ears more so shoulders to someone. listen. be it anything. listen first.

- really ? ok.

I survived day two. Still asking me to smile ?

Idky i need to get up practically almost every day and go to school. like practically dragging myself out of bed, pretending to play dead, hoping my parents actually forgot I got school, well almost any stupid effing reason you can think of. Idky i have to practically go thru all this now. Sigh. You know, mcm ni, im like a puppy. sniffing around, looking around for something, desperate, sampai sekarang tak dapat2 lagi, that soft spot, i want it, i keep going for it, but i end up with nothing. yeah, great. i already fucking hate going to school, all i want is stay at home and study, and now this ? no like, ok fine no big deal but seriously what theeee.

Perhaps, it wasnt only meant for you. It meant for me too. My biggest enemy now is myself. I have to be strong. I have to go thru this. Well, fight over everything and say, tak pa, buat tak tau, most important is, DO REVISION.

Correct me if I am wrong, we all have to help ourselves right now, to trust is to depend, jeopardizing your own future, is stupid.


I feel like eating my hair, chewing everything i see including the laptop and wooden table, baling my phone to the wall and bagi pecah, bakaq suma buku. lets see apa aku tak boh g. oh, hmm, i dont really feel like killing anyone skang, apparently. i just need someone to talk to me. any stupid crap can do, just talk to me.

Talk. To. Me.

So what if they fuckingly forgot that fucking stupid thing !

Oh fuck stupid.

yeah why bad mood, smile la. oke fine smile la.

Dear beddddy2 ~