And so I try to trust my instincts damn hard in hope that I wont go wrong again. And again, and again. Sigh.

The more you keep doing it.

The closer you are in loosing me.

I wish you were here.

Sometimes i wish that you dont even exist. So, then I dont even know all these things right now. I am thinking of things. You cant blame me, blame yourself in the first place.

Time, moments. It all takes time.

And when it is all suppose to be your fault in the first place, thats all you can say.

The worse is I Am Sorry. I dont even mean it.

Sometimes I get tired saying things like, oh, its ok, its alright, i understand u, i understand ur position, i totally get how u feel right now, n all sorts of things that sounds or means the same as all the above. I am tired now.

You are doing it wrong.

So why dont you handle it for me?

Fyi, thinkin about the past sucks. Big time.

What is your turning point ?

I wonder what is mine.

What are birthdays ?

Some bloody occasion that makes you feel from shit to fuck. Thats how I feel and see it anyways.

Cant express? Paint then ! Draw then !

Ni kasaq la. I dont mean to be a racist. tapi anda nilai sendiri. but I dont dare say much coz I dont do my own research regarding this matter and perhaps will not do sebab takot saket heart attack gedebuq pengsan sat nah. is it true that, oke, intakes upu ka matriks apa benda suma, memang ada quota utk non malays. good la, improvement there. my point here is, betul ka. if a bumi gets just a so so results but still boleh dpt tawaran to all those, and to be compared to non bumis who does perty excellent, way better mind u, doesnt get a place in anywhere. my another point here is, to the people in charged, wth r u trying to do ? yes, they are bumis, so ? what if they dont have the qualifications ? ok, maybe u want to say, thanks for the second chance. all I see is, u are going to tutup sebelah mata, say, alah, budak ni bole la, pndai la, satg pndai lagi, msok2 u ka apa, apa pun tak boleh blah, tak boleh keep up, drop out. ok fine u drop out, its ok. what if yg so so tu, people still close an eye n say tak apa. then in the end, what kind of quality do u get ? all im saying is, it sounds perty screwed up. no ? n to the ones who dpt twaran here n there and everywhre, good for u, if ur up to it, ace it, u deserve it. but be sensitive to the non malays who migt not get what they perhaps should actually get. memang kita seronok, kita ni priviledged sgt but keep it low, think of others.  if ur so so, dont u screw up n take this as a joy ride or a ticket to paghiss or what not. dont. so i know im talking in a very small scope and note again i did not do my own research. ni i just heard from to mouthsss so it might be very right or wrong or some relevance in it. just a thought for today.

* not to selff too. A levels aint an easy thing. n this is also not a simple ticket for me. Start flipping the pages now.

Instead of focusing on what I dont have, I dont think I want to focus on what I have coz its rather useless too. Why not focus on school and studies now. Rest is I dont care. If you do, thank you very much, you dont, theres the door.

I hope one day those words would come creeping and crawling on you and would strangle you and squeeze the life out of you, just for a minute would do. I hope one day when everything is on your shoulders and worst you have to fake a smile and laugh and hold on and act as if you are oh so okey and all you want to do and need so badly is just go to that someone and that someone does not do anything in return. I wish one day I have the guts and the hearts to do that in return. I wish one day I can be as selfish as I can be and all I think is about my wants and my condition instead of thinking about other peoples feelings. I do not want to care about whether you have a problem or not, whether you need a shoulder to cry on or or in need of attention or a pair of ears or just a comforting hug, whether you would like or fit to hear of something or be it you are darn sleepy or tired. What do I care right ? Yeah, thats right. Other peoples wants and needs must come before you. Well you know, that is bullshit. No one is actually, just trust me, and bare this in your sane mind, would want to go the extra mile for you, would want to actually waste their bloody precious time and go all out for you, would actually care to at least appreciate or at most realize that you have done so much for that person, in just a little hope, you would actually get some gratitude, and worst of, a lilllll of something in return. Nope. Nothing. Nada. I dont mean em rather to say mengungkit but come on aiteee? Cuba la ingat balek if it does not take so much of the precious time of urs.Yes, the world is a vampire. You like it or not, you take your broken pieces of the floor, get glue stick or uhu gum, and start mending yourself. If you are just going to stand there in hope somebody would want to do it for you, u can dreammm aite. And all I hear is the same bloody damn thing all day long, since these couple of days. SO I am trying very hard not to be an angel to be precise but to be a good person and to care for other needs at this moment. So I might want to take my imaginary gun and shoot all of your brains off and shout at your face and say every little tiny thing that I have in my mind for all these while. So maybe then you would want to say calm down to me. And what are words, even if you can make a thousand page essay, what are words ? Words are just meaningless if you dont put your heart or your effort or actions into it. So why dont you save your saliva and keep it to yourself rather than keeping ones hope high up then crush em down again. Yes you forgive, you forget, you accept, you move on with life. No I dont especially when it comes to emotional needs, to support, I dont. To compare what I dont get and what you dont get, I would rather be you rather than be me in this situation. Yes, all in all. I am a good kitty. I keep my claws well, right under my pretty paws. meow.

I HAVE a future.

So nothing is going to stop me.

And then dah tahu kenapa lagi ?

Awat, i have to be crawling on all fours first then only it would be like a different story? Fish u ok. Why or how one can be so not understanding. At times.

I am not sleepy.

I am just plain tired and sad.

Ang bangang ka bodo? Tu ja soalan aku.

It must either be and or either. Memang. The question is, susah sangat ka even for just one day? Fisher. Gosh. Is it so much to ask for? Tak kot kan.

I never knew how one can be so useless at some point.

No, i dont doubt it. After the whole day, macam tu la jugak. Like teaching a person how to pee. That is what it is.

So you are saying I shoudnt be mad?

Get your points straighten out!

I’ll seek you out,
Flay you alive
One more word and you won’t survive
And I’m not scared of your stolen power
See right through you any hour

I won’t soothe your pain
I won’t ease your strain
You’ll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain

I’m taking it slow
Feeding my flame
Shuffling the cards of your game
And just in time
In the right place
Suddenly I will play my ace

I won’t soothe your pain
I won’t ease your strain
You’ll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain

Eyes on fire
Your spine is ablaze
Felling any foe with my gaze

And just in time
In the right place
Steadily emerging with grace

You are right. You are wrong. You dont say?

But one thing that I agree the most is, " You will turn 18 next week. You must be strong. You must be independant. I want you to be. "

So perhaps you are halfway thru climbing mount everest, or swimming in the atlantic ocean, you dont ever talk or do like that to me lah naa. So what? I ask you that, so what? Even if you call me up at 4am in the morning, i would come running. So what?

If i were to be waiting, hanging on, depending, fuck i think i would have dropped dead just to wait for u to come along. Aiteee? I cant believe all this. At the moment where you are all left alone, n thats how you get treated. Bravo to u I say.

A stranger would act better. Nuff said.

In return, will I have my own time then?

If you do good to others, God willing, someday you will get good or people will do good to you too. So why be mean ?

Zi Art of Spitting Ones Phlegm Out.

Nope. I still have not mastered the skill yet.

Beggars cant be choosers.

And I cant be telling you every single damn thing alright.

Just to prove a silly point.

I am not saying we are all good, and that we are all bad. But sometimes, please dont be so dumb and ya know, make like nothing is being done after all the time.

I just personally thing that the first thought that matters. If it does not come out or show in u, in the very first place, forget it, it seriously does not belong or that u just dont have it. So tak dak tu tak da la. i dislike it when we mention it only then it is being done.

So what?

I dont deserve a life? My actions and reactions depends on the person whom i am dealing with. Note that, i always react in a certain way if u act or treat me in a certain way. So in a way, u cant blame everything on me cause it wasnt all my fault in the first place. But i know stil it is mine, all the blame, all the guilt, all mine.You chose, you wanted that way so you have to live with it. Not my fault, ok? There are times where you could be fair, you could be mean, you could have started hearing or at least get to know or learn something. No, you did not. So bravo.

Well, why dont you swallow and suck it up now, aitee?

I want something else. I want to hear something else.

Just to get me by. Can you do that for me ? No, right ?  I can see that I am not the type who goes on and on for the same thing. I do need a change or a break or a time to do.

It made me go from bad to worse.

Ok la actually aku dah up sikit dah tadi, just needed something else. Gatai la nak benda len kan, jadi macam ni la bila expectation tak sampai. Gah tak suker oke.

blurt. blurp.

Look, this is another random thing, to people out there, pls dont terasa, just if ur in my place, ud say it.

I know, yes, I am a girl. Yes what the heck I am a girl la haha but with a boys name. Girls, i mean the feminine side ni are always potrayed as weak, fragile, well my brain aint functioning that well so just take it as yeah, we are weak creatures. But that is not true kan, we are as equal, almost, most capable much more than men, in certain things bukan. yes each, a guy and a girl, male and female,  each and everyone of us has our plus and minus points. but sometimes  I feel like can guys stop being such arses and do sth. Get up and be a real man. Be a real man for ur woman. Tak susah benda tu if we as a woman, tangan yang menghayun buaian itu boleh menggoncang dunia. So apatah lagi lelaki. u guys are much more well, better in terms of physical wise kan.

How complete, how smart, how genius, how whatever we are, in my opinion, there must be a time like, you have been always driving all around, at some point, you would want to give your keys to somebody and say, now you take the wheels and drive now. maybe not for long, but jjust for awhile, but it can do. tapi paham kan. you would somehow want somebody to take over and take control kejap. just for the feel of it. ok i know2 i am not up to it.

I am not saying that we as individuals need to know everything in the world, but perhaps I am. Idkk. I mean i know, i pun macam mana, iddont read at all thus aint gaining anything. haha. just, how awesome a girl is, hmmmmmm. thats enuf said.

All this started of with me not being able to determine the range of a function thus not being able to know the domain of an inverse function. I mean I am trying to do my own thingy in my brain but I tak paham. I know for linear we just subtitute the given domains and voilaa. noo ? and then if its quadratic there comes completing the square but I saw an example they didnot do completing the square and voila, u can make an inverse out of it. what ? I thought it must only be a one to one. and then, what point should I subtitute in the function to get my range or whattttt ~ adoiii. I wish somebody can teach me all this thingy right now sebab i know its damn simple. yeah sapa suroh tak absorb dalam kelas. not that I did not absorb, I just need my own time to absorb it. me no likey to understand in class. not to say i dont like, actually idky i cant blah in class haha.

Rolls over on the bed.

Hmph. =( im sad. I know. Its all in my mind. Psychologically. I dont like whatever happens in the mind. M just crappy. No its not my hormones. And if u ask me why m sad il say, IDK! Hahah. Rolls over again.

Well, Hello May.

And hello to me trying hard to stay awake after a long day n for only three hours sleep. So u better do some2 or shut up when it is ur turn.