House arrest. With cctv every corner of the house.

Idky I want to do that.

This is how a heart breaks.

This is how when you are there but you are forced to turn back. This is you pushing me. And I feel a huge weight on me. I feel like a lost puppy, without a leash, finding its own missing teddy. Sniffing around.

You choked me with your words. You strangled me with your words.

And I felt like vomitting. Physics.

It is not easy to start again. It is not easy to let go of things

If I can snap out of it, I would be very glad to do so and i would do it without being told to do so. If i can get rid of it, i would surely do it. I am not sure whether it is a matter of choice. Or whether it is because of anger and revenge and feelings that has been kept inside for long. I understand the need to be logical and rational but i dont understand well i just cant accept it. Simple as that.

Yes is it my problem.

So you just sit there and keep filing your nails like there is no tomorrow.

Sincerely ?

I will rip everything off. If you ask me. Just to make myself feel better. If you ask me.

A start of a morning.

Rise and shine. Lets start the day with erm positiveness.

I should be in cloud nine by now.

But I am not.

I dont know why but i hate people saying sorry.

Makes me want to bash you right at ya face and say, certain things are inevitable, run 100 miles at the speed of light, if you cant avoid it, there is nothing you can do. But if you can moveee an inch and avoid it, then why? Why make it happen? Just because the existance of the word sorry gives you the ability to do so.

You used to say that it is ok, that it is fine. Now you sa otherwise. How am I suppose to feel ?

I am suppose to feel great. >_<

10 bloody years ago.

Makes me feel sad when thinking about it. Makes it even harder. Makes me want to say it is all hopeless and helpless. Makes me feel like keeping my saliva.

I wana change before it is too late.

I wana do things before it is too late. I would like to live by that. Now.

When you see pink haired Avril holding hands with Chad Kroeger.

What is more heartbreaking ?  I feel like screaming whattttt ? daaa ??? effff ??? Like out of all, zi time, its like it has to be like right now, this moment ? What fish you think I am ?  YOU KID ME ?  Then do me the hugest favour of all time, tell me whats next, tell me what will happen the next time ? Asteroid hits the place thus making it a week long now ? yes.

When you actually screwed somebodys life up and they ask you how do they want to take a step and live again, u say, its ok. Just crawl on all fours. Il sit here and look at you. And then soon il rip those off from you again.

I died with the amount of fish that I gave today.

Mechanics was shooting something, blindly. Physics one was scribbling holes with only one shade of color, that is black. Physics two was scribbling whatever was in your head. And waiting and missing lunch aint my thang to do at this moment of my life. And you tell me you dont know ? Why dont you wait maybe you will know ? Or why dont you think if God has given you brains ?

Yeah nvm.

Never. Mind. It does not matter anyways. What matters is you. What is up with you. What you have. What you are having. Thats all. That is all that matters. Sincerely.

Please stop being an idiot.

Hence, stop depending. No point if you eat other peoples shit but they wont eat urs. Yes it taste thatttt bad.

Help ? That was so much of a help.

How can I actually rely on something like that again ? That is suicide. It is me choosing to jump into a black hole.

Pick. Your. Self. Up.

Yeah I dont anymore even if it is me.

How sad is that.

Keeeeeep. Calmmmm. Breatheee.

=_= who am I kidding.

Makes me want to scold people sometimes and say.

Cant even do that for a minute. Too busy I see. Why make a fuss ? Be you, you make double fuss about it. Then ask me, why ? Look at yourself! >_< grrrr

=__= yes whats next.

Wont deny that tiny lil frustration.

Nonetheless. Say hello to mechanics !

You can climb Mount Everest but you cannot climb 10 flight of stairs ? Now why dont you tell me about it.

It just sounds like the stupidest reason I can get.

Feelings towards my first A Levels trials.

Nil. Nada. Perty much ready to get slapped by my results while the rest would be so happy to receive it. It is a mock examination they said. So treat it with the mockery it deserves they said. Nuf said when you need help but help aint getting. Massage my back they said. Scratch it they said. I will do it to your back they said.

Me no likey.

€___€ at all. Idk what that face is.

It makes me want to say.

I am sleepy and tired as shit. Cant you do it right ?

One is up. One is down.

Il take down now. Then when you take down i would want up pulak.

It frus trat es me.

Thus making me angry. At almost everything right noww.

Pass me by.

I love love.

Waittt. Why no piccaaa ~

I feel like saying.

Why dont you just go away. Why dont you just go !!! Haeh. I like it when you say your sorry but you do it over and over again. And you know well enough. Whyy. I felt like i wasted two bloody days just to get this back. Just for once cant you nail it. Just take a hammer and nail it. Its not difficult. I have done it. Many. Times.

Makes me want to bitch slap you and say.

Oh yeaaah ? You want me to do laidattt iz eeettt ?? Crapp. You wanttttt ?

Its like asking someone.

Can I take your heart and all your needs and your wants and shove it right up your arse for awhile ? Simply because you can do it. And later on forgot that you actually shove it right up somebodys arse till that person dies of intoxication cause shit cant come out. And you ask permision for that ?

Oh gosh say no more

Hurmm. Interesting.

Nice. I like that. Better than cakes. Puihhhh

Dont try jumping over the fence.

Do I look like I am for sale ?

Oh yes. A sticker of up to 70 % off plastered right at my forehead. Dirt cheap I tell you.

Yes tell me all about it.

Realy, tell me about it.

>_< i dont like hearing things that i dont like.

Why mention it. >_< why. Why. Whyyyyyyy ! Gosh. Gosh.

I feel like vomitting when I hear that word.

Instead of being like some cure, it acts as a poison and has the ability to screw almost everything up.

Come and meet me they said. It would be fun they said.

If you are well of busy with something else, i tell you what, i am much more busier than you are. So it is your pick. I didnt go there for that.

I would neverrrrr everrrr do thattttt again.

Omg haha.

I have no choice.

Miracle. If you know either way anyhow it will turn out like that.

Get out if it. Dont waste your time to stick around just to prove what you already know. Why so stupid ?

When you have a phone and it takes ten hours for you to reply.

Might as well you throw that phone of yours away. Unless you can actually come up with a very good reason why the late replies and making me wait.

If you were holding the string that I have been dangling all these while, I might have been dead by now.

Might as well. For how long do i have to wait ? For how long do i need to be giving and giving ? For how long do i need to feel this ? So do i need to beg for it everytime when yours come for free ? Do i need to dread and shed tears, maybe then i would get it when yours come without any effort of yours? And you expect me to be an angel and come running all over again ? Heck who am i to u ? I am not bloody asking you to even buy me that dream car of mine, is that thattt hard ? Its free. I am not even making a fuss about u not being there. And u cant even do this right. This effin simple thing. How am i suppose to leave it all like that. Its my life you are talking about.

Thank you.

I wonder why I bother to run ten miles, anyways.

DA IKAN

DA IKAN YOU THiNK YOU ARE ? you think you are guys so you can act like some bastards and boss people around ? yell at people sesuka ati ? Do you think you are so great ? the hell do you think females are ? your maid ? your slaves ? bullshit that. U have two hands, two legs, and a brain. Use it ! NOt just shove it right up your arse and act great by doin so. geeezzzzzzz

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long? (ha!)

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall
I want to tear away the death again
A whiter shade of fucking meth again
I want to stick to clues, I want to come unglued
I want to shape the world to fit the way you move
Oh, should I listen for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happiness is no longer about me

Trade rules, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
Let him be you through your beautiful cries
Let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
Live your life just like a dream
Without the pain of goodbyes
Goodbye!

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I been a drunk disrespectful little street punk
Unlock the back of my trunk
You see, you take this bat
And bash my head into the street again
No-ones around so I keep beating it

Pull my hair back, look me in the eye
There's a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
It's the guilt of what reality has given me

Making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity
And when you're sick you seem to think
You've failed eternally

And that the people you let in are only crumbling
When you're sick of thinking life in this recovery
When my decision paved the road
That lies in front of me

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

But are we scared to take the ride?
Or dare to look inside?
I'm floating far away (far away)
I'm floating far away (leaving home)
I'm floating far away (so far away)
I'm floating far away

I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the girl, I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother know
He saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years he's been my friend
Who's always there

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?

And so it is time to write right.

Have you ever felt the urge or the need to be somebody else just for a day, see how they see things, see how they think about a thing or an issue. I do. I would want to do that just for a day, so then I can understand more, see more, broaden my view and my perceptions.

Sad to say, I do not like nor enjoy my perceptions. What are perceptions ? I feel perception narrows my mind and my view. Does it do any good to me ? It should be actually, but no, as I see more, it aint doing me any good. If it does not suit to my eyes, then I wont touch it. Fair ? No, not at all.

I try to understand, I try to tolerate and be in it, but no, I cannot. Because by nature, that is not me and I know very well, I am not going any near to it.

Yes I am wasting my time, instead of this crappy piece, see, I cant write, I cant express well and oh gosh it saddens me veryyy badd. I need to study. I need some miracle in Chemistry, God knows how, I pray hard. I try to put things aside and set my thoughts. I want to go somewhere, where nobody knows me.

And I just want to say, do I look like a maid to you, that you can be yelling at the top of your voice at me and asking to do things for you ? No, dont treat me like that. I am no maid. And you need to learn how to talk.

Makes me what to jump even more.

Oh, how interesting. Stop all of it already. Get out !

Arses. Is it so hard to meet my expectations or what?

Might as well dont do it.

This goes to me. Just dont do it anymore.

Keep calm and scold people tommorow !

1. If ur not gona do it, say it then. Nobodys gona force u or make u do it. Just dont make one wait for u. Ur only making things worse. U said you would, but crap you would not.

2. And then i realize the fish my lovely sleep. I should have slept all these while rather than wasting my precious sleeping time.

3. That hard to bloody convert a slideshow from a powerpoint to microsoft documents? Dudeee. I did it like an hour n added crappy stuff along. I could do it. The heck.

Il jump of the ledge

Just to prove that i knew how.

Nice to see. Nice to feel. Nice moments so to speak.

Aint that some shit.

I cant afford to think about it.

It bloody sucks. And like jigsaw puzzles, it seems that those pieces are not meant to be pairs and can never combine to complete a picture.

But sad to say, it is very hard for me to not think of things cause it seems like my brain is design to work that way. Darn it !

Bangs head on the table.

Really ? This is why I see the need to isolate myself.

I can hear every detail of it and I cant take it. It seems to be amplified to ten times and it is too loud for me. I have cats ears now ?

Understood that when I put my earphones on, it means I do not want to talk at all hence shutting myself to the world hence do not talk to me coz I cant hear you, remember ?  I might just flip anytime soon. I have never felt the strong urge to jump from a ledge this bad.This strong. I need to talk to someone.

It might be very crucial to me.

But it might not even click to your mind.

Sometimes things that you are not suppose to or not able to put aside are a must.

Simply because you are pathetic and in desperate need of something, you would throw yourself into something like crap. And to say you pay more, yes I pay more, and I keep paying more. Simply because I have it growing on trees at the back of my house. Wait till you grow old, it wont happen. So you eff it or leave it. Either way.

Now show me what you have.

Tell me what you want to say. What do you have now? What else do you want ? What is there for you ?

I am tired.

Worse than the feeling of runnin a 500 km marathon.

I dread. Give me something else to get by.

I hate.

I dont mean to be mean.

But if I dont get it from you, dont dream of me giving it to you. I am no angel. If I happen to do it before this, then you can say goodbye to that.

A conversation, good one, can really do me a lot of good right now. I would beg for it.

Id rather be left to rot then be danggling by a string or being stuck like an idiot in a moment waiting to be noticed like a pathetic being.

Why is it that when you bloody dont need that person, that person would bloody suffocate you just by their presence or the sound of their breathing makes you feel like stabbing them. Or they just feel so annoying that you wish you can strangle them at their necks and let them not breathe for two minutes. But why is it when you bloody need them the most, they simply dissapear, to add to it, being absent or unavailable by choice. Why.

Now thats far.

Still near ? Errrmmm.

I dont mean to be bad. But I need to let this out.

I dont know why I dont bother or dont want to ask.

And I am not sure whether to pick it up or not or to say something or anything about it. No doubt I miss last time. Ok and now ony I know why I shouldnt bother. Yeaaap. Dont bother. And I erm, aint that open in that matter becausee, errrm, hard to say. I know what to say actually, but I cant just blurt it out like that. It makes me look mean and the worst person you can ever think of. So i dont know what to say. Best is not to talk bout it. Dont bother.

Fun

I will be using the FUN word often.

Nice voice is nice.

Wait, I forgot.

It has no relevance to you. Then what has ? You and only you.

Tell me who calls when you need it the most.

Coincidence i say. Again.

I am not bloody asking for 10 bloody million dollars for goodness sake.

Is that harder then ?