For better or for worse, I am me, I can never run away from being a true girl. Cant you see ?

You need to be nice for people to like you, but need evil also too make sure you are not being stepped on

You get paid for that ? Tell me how long that money can last you.

             

All I saw was a bunch of fools, parading around town, riding their noisy bikes and honking as they pass the busy streets. What were you trying to prove ? That you are very patriotic for the fact that you had a flag on your bike and stormed the streets like a bunch of hooligans ? Not forgetting, a large group of yall around more than 20, honking like nobodys business, as if you owned the road, just to get what ? Cheap attention ? 

Yes, you do get attention by doing that. But the attention that says you are such a disgrace, you are wasting your time on the streets when there are better things for you to do on a Saturday afternoon such as go for classes for religious studies, get a nice book with a cup of coffee by the park, go to the orphanage or old folks home and be with them, or just look beside you, your mom, your dad, your siblings, neighbours, anything to help, to give to the society, do that. And what do you do ? Parading on the streets, causing traffic, taking pictures of you holding the flag and post it on facebook. Bravo.

It is sad to see, that majority of young people are part of it, they think it is ok to behave like that, they think it is an image that they should potray, they think it is something that should be proud of, they think others like to see it, they think that it is a very nice sight to see. 

What I see is all of them behaving like some cheap, rural, immatured, uneducated young people that has potential to be much more than that. If and only if, you use what you are being given wisely. But as matter of fact, no, some might use it wisely, some might just throw it away, yes cause it is free. Because you dont have to struggle and work hard for it, because no matter how bad you fail, they will always be a place for those people. Note that we are veryyy fortunate, to be who we are, and to those like the above who does not use it correctly, and think everything is forever free, that is sad.

Have you ever sat there, and hear about other people complain, about they did not get this, they did not get that, but for the fact that they are the ones who deserve it much more than us.  Much, much more.

I am ashamed that somehow, I am a part of it, part of those above. I am very ashamed, truthfuly. And worse, there is nothing I can do about it.

Sapa lagi kalau bukan anak-anak Melayu yang buat macam tu. nuff said. What else can I say ? Or should I say more ?

I did not see it. I did not hear it.

For the fact that i already gave you the guidelines and you said yes ok, yet there were still some holes well, here and there, imagine if i didnt say a word about it. Just imagine.

Sometimes I dont even know why I do things

Well, most of the time right now. Especialy the ones where I have to go out of my way in order to do those things. I dont know why I do it, worse is why I keep doing it, the same way, every time, and I stupidly expect a different result. So sad.

That is the door

If you cannot.

Two more months ~

Or so. Then ?

Borang akreditasi mqa

Why, A levels cert is not acredited enuf is it? I thought you can go all over the world with it without any problems.

And why yall need to ask about my race, not only my race, my fathers, my mothers race. Why, if I put im an indian or chinese, you will put me at the back of the line la eventhough i am the first one who submitted the form? Why, if I put my fathers race as a chinese you wont accept me la? If you ask me what is sensitive, that is sensitive. Tell me what is the relevance of me putting my race plus my parents. The only relevant thing that i should be filling up is my results, my achievements, my name, my brain. And how I present myself later during the interview. Not my race, not my religioin, not my skin color. Why are those your concerns? At all.

I got into college with nobody questioning me who is my father, what is my race, how much does my family earn, nothing, up till now. The only thing I gave to them was a copy of my ic, my shitty trials results, my spm results, sijil berhenti sekolah and thats it. And to get into this thangg, the first question that they ask are all those things, now tell me what is wrong? Or there is nothing wrong at all?

Maybe to some is no big deal, well to most there is nothing wrong with it I know. or you must be saying I am crazy coz they r just asking me those, well, common questions and i am really making a big deal out of it. and yes I admit i am actually being a brat n complaining bout everything regarding the system.

but if you look at it properly, there must be a reason why they ask so think about it. Why private sectors dont give a hoot about it and why this system here needs to know untill your grandfathers roots to just enter, with that not even sure whether you can get in or not. If its all malay malay malay then chances are it is easier for you to be chosen and to get in.

Note to myself, even if i do get accepted, i am still going to think about it.

What am I standing here for? Hoping for a wishing star that might never come!

You are not much of a help and you can never help me in this, in some certain ways, maybe in many ways, idk what it is, and that realy does stab my heart.

It is all so alien to me

It is not about the struggle, or well whatever perhaps it is everything. It just seem to shoot my brain without me being able to avoid it.

What will I get in return ?

I am that stupid to actually fall for it and thought hey, it will be a good day and it will all be ok. Nopeee. Cannot even do that one damn thing right. So what am I suppose to say now?

When you scroll down your facebook updates and all you see is politics. What happen to cute babies, food, cats, crafts ?!? Sighhh.

I am not calling you a thief, just dont steal from me

Nothing comes for free, andd nothing is free. I paid, I paid much much more than I should have, but is this what I get ? Is this what I should be getting from what I gave, what I paid ? Is this how nature rolls or me being the stupid one still waiting by the dinner table, waiting to be served by a waiter who does not have well, some sense. He gave me the menu, I showed him one by one what I wanted, yet an hour, two has passed by, my food has not arrived yet, if at all it has, I got the wrong plate, and when I asked for my plate, I still got the wrong one. I appreciate you bringing me plate after plate but that is not what I ask for, and I expect that if I say it once, I must get it right. Maybe you should write it down with a pencil ?  And when I ask, after dozens of time for my plate, at last you gave me the right one, but I cant run away from the thought of you wasting my time and energy, I should have gotten up to get it by myself or walk away in the first place.

But apparently I am smart enough to see that I do have a choice, to be left hungry, or at least being served with a meal that does not satisfy my huge appetite, yes I know I have a hugeee one,  and let my money go to waste or I can walk away and go to a better place to satisfy myself.

But in the end, is it all for satisfaction ? What matters most then ? If right now, all I think is about my satisfaction, my wants, my appetite, then I think I am selfish. But I paid for it, I expect to get what I paid for. Or what should I be expecting for then ? What if I was served with a plate of salad, with a nice starter of mushroom soup and garlic bread with carrot juice but what I wanted was, well, dessert for dinner, chocolate lasagna  and death by chocolate. I know that is not healthy but it satisfies my taste.

Up till this day, I still wonder how on earth I could still gather all the good things to describe it and make myself go thru this. Up till this day, I still wonder. I hate salads.

I might take a drive down to memory lane

Someday