It's all about esteem
It's all about dreams
It's all about making the best out of everything
You'll know when you're fine
Cause you'll talk like a mime

You'll fall on your face
You get back up and you're doing fine
"a considerate clown, a preachy preaching machine"
Is one of the sweetest things you would say about me
But I don't have the time for your distorted esteem
Why are you toying with my mind?

I don't wanna hear you say it
I don't wanna hear you say it
I don't wanna hear you say it
Now you're fucking with my pride

You think you're smarter than me
Well everyone knows you will never be smarter than me
That's how it goes
I gained forty pounds because of you
Was there an "S" on my chest
Well I confess, you were too much stress
I'd have a heart attack at best
So now I breathe it out, I breathe it out
I spit it on the crowd cause they lift me up, they lift me up, they lift me up

When I'm feeling down
What am I spitting out? spitting out, something we never talk about
It's called my ...mind

I don't wanna hear you say it
I don't wanna hear you say it
I don't wanna hear you say it
Now you're messing with my pride

Well, I'm sick of standing in your line
So now you'll have to take it
Take this to heart
I will never let you fuck me over
Stop talking down to me your war is old
Your game is over
So here's my coldest shoulder

I don't wanna hear you say it
I don't wanna hear you say it
I don't wanna hear you say it
Now you're messing with my pride

Something we don't talk about
Something we don't talk about

What are words if you dont put a meaning to it. What are words.

I cant hear it anymore. It is turning to selective hearing. I dont want anymore.

Do me a favour.

Go and rip that vital organ of yours right now with your own bare hands and sell it at the black market or donate it to whoever that might need it before I do it myself.

Rasa nak muntah ja subway yang aku telan.

Why do I have to go thru this, to feel this. What did I do to deserve to feel semua ni. Apaaa. Sigh. Tak suka. Sunggoh, cukup tak suka.

The Trots.

I feel like I am riding a horse. I cant stop myself from bouncing up and down with every step that the horse takes. It gets crazier as the horse moves faster. >_< where is the pole that i can hold on to keep myself together and hold on when i really need it? Sigh.

Owh. In. Te. Res. ting.

I dislike humans right now.

Oh wait, I am one of them too. So it makes me dislike myself too. >__<

Good sleep is good when you can get one.

says it.

I am short.

Hence, everything tends to be short too.

And....

Scoreeeeeee !     really ?

Wth am I suppose to do ? Block out all of my thoughts ? .

Sigh.. It is all driving me nuts ! I tell you, kaccangg !  A nice warm cup of milk n choc chip cookie can really do me now. >_______< !

Pms

Premenstrual
Menstrual
Postmenstrual

=_= so it doessss make sense.

Tell me what does not frustrate me right now.

Sleep. Sigh. If at all I can sleep. >_<

Breakeven

But at the end of it all, you are still my best friend.

Feeling lousy aint my thang either.

Eeeeeevensooooo ~

Aint much of a help. Aint gona change a thang. Aint gona do a thang. Aint gona get hit by epiphany. Aint gona realize. Aint gona swallow your ego and pride. Aint gona think of it. Aint gona try. Aint gona suck it up and man up. Aint gona grow some balls. Aint gona admit it. Aint gona live with or by it. Aint gona think bout the other side or outside the box. Aint gona think about anybody elae but you.

Same ol, same ol.

Fuck am I suppose to say ?

Me no accept that statement / answer.

Y u no comprende.

When things were normal.

Were.

I have a test tomorrow. I have three tests in a week.

I feel stupid. But at the same time refusing to try. All for the thought of this aint gona affect my real exams marks at all but at the same time scared to face my test results. Sigh. Y u no constant study at least. >_<

Every breath you t..

As if I'd sing that song to you,
you probably think you deserve it at the present time
But if only you knew how you treated me
when we were together then you might understand.

Remember the time you made me wait for a month when you had exams, which I was cool about
but then the night you finished you barred me from all your plans
and you went out with other people.

Now I'll always give you the benefit of the doubt
and I think there's enough natural maturity floating around for the tension and release time to even out between two
people like you and me.

And I've been thinking and since we've broken up
I've realised things were mostly in your favour
and a normal person wouldn't put up with this
but for some stupid reason I don't wanna move on.

And now I'm stuck in a moment
It's bad for my health
Well I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself

Now I gotta say that all of this is coming down on me like a tonne of bricks at this present time,
I don't have much cash,
I'm just trying to figure out the rest of my life.

But I think a lot of people would agree that all you need is a feeling of freedom
and when you're in emotional limbo, everything think about and do is filtered through that.

But I don't wanna make you unhappy or jealous in any way
because ultimately in life it's your own choice who you surround yourself with,
and I'm responsible for those things too.

And I've treated people badly at times in relationships
and maybe what you're doing is some kind of payback for all those past lives,
but that also doesn't change the fact that

Now I'm stuck in a moment
It's bad for my health
Well I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself
There's no spirit to find me
And no wishing well
Well I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself

Set me free
Alright
I've gotta get myself out of this thing
If its the last thing i ever do

So whatcha gonna do now?
What you gonna keep me hanging on or something are you?
You gonna keep me hanging on
You gonna keep me hanging on
You gonna keep me hanging on
You gonna keep me hanging on
You gonna keep me hanging on

'Cos I have a feeling it's all in my own mind and if i have anything to do with it
knowing me I enjoy putting myself through this kind of trauma to a degree, How 'bout you?
Thought so

Maybe you shouldn't call me anymore because I need some time to get to know myself again,
then once again we say it's final then I'm gonna miss you even more, even the most.

I don't want you to know that I'm missing you,
yeah let's establish even more communication breakdown and then wonder why later on
all the honesty and trust is gone between us.

Now I'm stuck in a moment
It's bad for my health
Well I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself
There's no spirit to find me
And no wishing well
Well I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself

Got to get out

Well this things been going on for too long baby

And i've got to do something for myself for a while

Cos you've been treating me so bad for so long
And it just can't go on, it can't go on.

Well I dont want you calling me oon the telephone,
and i dont wanna see your face no more
Yeah thats right

No, i dont bother.

And i dont even feel like asking, it makes me feel more crappier. Crap!

And that is rubbish.

Enough said.

If you have to force it, then that is shit. If it flows naturally, then it is pee. I like pee. Only you can feel the warmth.

If you cant hold it for long, why dont you do it yourself? It is better that way.

I wish it so.

>_< grow some bloody balls Aiman !

Follow your heart but take your brain with you.

>_< Seriously at times like this, id want to punch u right at ur guts and say u deserve this.

Everybody would like to be treated with respect.

Well, same goes to me. Who would want to lead a life without being respected? I wouldnt want that kind of life. Each and every individual needs that. To say you should gain your respect, oh dang I have passed that and should be gaining much more. So tell me about it. Does respecting someone mean anything to you? Well I guess not if that is the case.

And it sucks to be hearing somebody say things like that to you, right in front of u. It gets sucker when you no longer have the will to deny it. At all. All you could do is nod in agreement and say yes, I cant deny no more. I got tired of denying things. To add to tolerating them too.

Endtapes.

I dont know which one to listen to right now.

It is not answering my questions.

Call it what you want. You talk so much.

I wish upon a different star every other night.

>_<

Pretty piece that is not written by me.

Dont you wish that you’re in someway, someone else?
At least once in your lifetime, no?
You somehow feel that being you is irrelevant, or you’re insignificant. For instance, you believe that if you look like someone else, act like someone else, things will change for the better. You feel like being you is not enough because being other people seems to be more promising,
But then again, there is no one else like you. And the weird little things that you have makes you, you. It might be weird, but it is comfortable.
So at the end of the day, you thank God that you’re you, and there’s no one else like you. You see past your flaws because.. well, that’s just a part of who you are.
And if there are other people who keep reminding you of your flaws, or cant see past your flaws, or even see you as this strange being that should at least try to change for the better… well, F them and tell them to screw themselves. Because you know you are strange, and awkward and all that jazz, you dont need other people to tell you that.
Besides, your quirks make awesome and most of the time, funny stories. And everyone loves funny.
Plus, you know you’re a nice person. If other people cant see it, then too bad. Make do with the company who can make you feel good, and avoid those who cant. Why bother making them happy if you arent?

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
It's driven me before, it seems to be the way
That everyone else get around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there

When laziness comes in handy.

M glad school is tomorrow.

Hush now. Dont keep adding.

I am glad there is this thing called sleep.

And also this thing called tomorrow. God willing.

Twinkle twinkle.

I cant believe the little stars.

I realize that it is a lot of crap.

And facing crap aint my cup of tea. Yeah, whatever that is.

I would like to sleep or hibernate.

And live by the fantasies that I have created in my tiny little mind instead of reality, just for this time.

Why are you not getting it ?

Seriouslyyyyy.

Gaga over your English accent.

Charlie. say it in zi accent. haha.

I hear all sorts. Stop it now if it aint doing anything.

All you need is down there and you can blow it off. How lucky is that. All I need is up here and I cannot fill it up. How unlucky is that. What frustrates me more is that I cannot teach this thing. Yeah to add to I really just dont have the gift in teaching people. One, there is no such manual to keep telling you, even if there is, I cant throw it at you and say, Hey ! read this up, by tommorow you would be an awesome genius. No, it does not go like that. Second, I cant keep saying, yes this, no that, pls do, pls dont. No can do sir. Who would want that, right ? Would you ?

Oh yeaaaahhhhh ???

Oh yeaaahhhhhhh !!! So just eff off n shut up.

Bangs head on the table repeatedly.

Pasepa lahhhhh ~

The response that I got from my dad. frustrates me. not because it was bad, not at all, it was good, its just, i cant find the word.

Stay calm and do Mechanics and Physics.

Dont say anything if you are unsure.
Dont do anything if you are unsure.
Dont decide anything if you are unsure.

Just hold on, keep up with the pace and see how it all turns out. In the meantime, just hold tight on what you have, what you can actually hold on to. While you still can.

It is too bad.

=O   WHAT ?  So a slide show or an illustrian or a flow chart or a diagram ? what ?

I have lost myself.

I dont wana be a failure.
I dont wana be a disappointment.
I dont wana be a lazy bammm bammm.
I dont wana waste my life.
I dont wana waste my time.
I dont wana let it all go to waste.
I dont wana let myself go to waste.
I dont want things to pass by just like that.
I dont wana loose things.
I dont wana regeret for the rest of my life.
I dont wana forget things.
I dont want to please people.
I dont want to live by a book or from a manual.
I dont wana miss the things that I shouldve been doing. 
I dont want to be pushed around.
I dont want to be treated like crap.
I dont want to be without options.
I dont wana grow tired of things.
I dont wana give up.
I dont want to do things.
I dont want to loose touch.
I dont want to miss the smell of roses.
I dont want to be the causes.
I dont want to be the reasons.
I dont want to change.
I dont want to be held responsible for the things that has nothing to do with me.
I dont want to be the one to feel sorry.
I dont wana live without having a stand on my own.
I dont wana be a voiceless creature without a say.
I dont wana loose myself.

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away [3x]
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

So would you choose water over wine?

But seriously, is it really water, or is it just milo. Yuckk.

I dont understand my point of existance.

Find the will they say.

That is a lot of denying I say.

Karma Police.

I am not a cat. I am a human.

That says it all. It is rather like a trauma for me. It still rings in my head like bells that would not stop.

Me no likey this situation. Sigh

^_^ goodnite. Thank u.

Is it me or you just have not found it yet?

Really? Seriously? That hard ?

Squints eyes.

Seriously, quit playing with feelings. Thank you.

Worst feelings.

It varies from person to person. As for me, one of them is not being able to sleep eventho it is almost 4am. Note that you couldnt even get a nice nap but stil you couldnt fall asleep. And as every minute passes by, as every hour passes by, the more thoughts that swims in your head.the harder it is and the worse you feel. It builds up as the time passess by. As you are left alone, with nobody to talk to, not being able to control your thoughts that is swimming in your head, and all you can hear is the sound of the fan and you screaming, STOP IT ALREADY!

* really, I really, sincerely hate this. It is driving me nuts.

I hate people questioning the obvious.

Some things should be left unquestioned or just assume whatever you want when it is safe to do so. It is ok to assume since you should already know something wayy better. Durh? No? Seriously, use le brain. Sigh. What other words can i describe this right now. I wish i have like a written manual, then have the power to toss that manual at anybodys face that i like at times like this. Then I say Ha Ha, who told you not to do your homework or memorize your notes well.

Hurhhh ? What kind of question is that ?

Do I look like I can ? No righttttt ~

I get fed up very easily.

So seriously. I would prefer not hearing anything right now. Be it something happy or not happy. It might not be something that is to my liking right now. So try at your own risk.

Dont screw up somebody who is already screwed up.

Thanks. Next time, dont ask for it. And dont ask whether will it be with fries or not.

We all dont come with personalized manuals.

So what u gotta do is find your own way or screw up and learn from it. But why now? Why? You could have memorized, learned, could be able to say it out loud by heart, like it is at the back of your hand by now. Sigh. Very upsetting must I not deny. How heartbreaking almost it is I cant describe. >_< why.

Bangs head on table.

It is like doing trigo. Just does not click in my brain. Like in this. Does not click in my brain how ones brain really just dont click. Why? Was it just like yesterday? Or is it as hard as doing calculus? That even by the sight of it you already give up without even trying. Click?

Do I need to be the one all the time ?

No right ?

Smacks on my forehead. My goodness.

I know rightttt.

I wanna be you now.

I wanne be fun ! According to you. ^_^

>_>

Seriously. And then? I am waiting.

F=ma

Imagine a particle, well even a stationary box, we consider it as a particle. For now, there are two forces, the weight and the normal reaction. So, to make it move, you need to have a force pushing on it. The force needs to be bigger than the resistance in order to move. If the force is not big enough, thus the particle would stay stationary foreverrr coz there are no resultant force. And they are equilibrium right. My point here is, at that particular situation, even if you want to move forward, or accelerate, and that acceleration is you, you cannot because of your own resistance. what might happen is just you either stay stationary or you decelerate or we say retardation occurs. By all means, I really mean you turn into a retard and at that stage, you and the resistance has already become one, so it would be more difficult for you to accelerate. But if you were to stay stationary, you are not at rest but you are moving with a constant velocity, but still, your force is equals to zero. Ok, so the acceleration part, even you were to accelerate, oh ok wait, take the direction of acceleration is to the right, stilllll, you are going to your right, but it doesnt right coz your resistance is always there, you are going against resistance. But if you were to go to the left, you will stil have a resistance, but now that resistance is the result of you going to the opposite direction which initially you were suppose to go, which means now, the resistance is you. And either way, you aint going up to your normal reaction nor down to your weight. Things like that aint gona happen. And to add on to it, imagine it was a rough surface. And might be that you have to accelerate, but you are on a slunting slope at an angle. That makes accelerating moree difficult becasue you need to overcome the resistance and your own weight. So, if you were to study Mechanics or have strong Physics concept, or seriously, your general common sense, you would understand this with a dash of figurative writing or understanding, you would get this. Simply derived from Newtons second and third law. And I dont want to be that way.

It stresses me out sometimes.

No, it is actualy almost all the time. Maybe, i believe this is the downside of always thinking about both sides. Now my problem is, I am overthinking those two sides there and it is wrong. While some others, they dont think about both sides. Hurmm, which one should I be picking thenn?

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. Like resignation to the end, always the end.

Never in my life would I want my life to be that way.

One just dont simply do that and live with it. That is wrong.

Macam - macam kena.

Senang- senanggg ja. Saya ni ? Pasepa ?

So by all means, use your brain, the gift that God has given to you.

Use your brain sometimes, you really cannot possibly depend on your heart and emotions only.

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly
probably

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

I ticked yes.

When you do good to others, you believe that you will get good.

I have a voice and I want to be heared. Everyone does. Can't I make myself any clearer ?

If seeing is believing, I think I have seen enough for now. Prove me no wrong because you have proved something that I do not want to know. I dont know why I should be put into such situations, I dislike em and dont want to be in em. If karma is doing its job and is slapping right at my face right now, I might want to accept it. But this is not karma, I am perty sure about it. If it were to be said that I did not try, I did not try to convey, I did try it out, loud. If it were to be said that it was not clear, it was not effective, I think I made a statement of my own already. What is an epiphany if it only lasted for the night. What is a thought, it is like a wind, it just passes through you. I am not ready to live by the means of not being able to nurture myself, to not fully utilize what I have in me and to not being able to gain what I never have in me. I am not ready to live by the fact that there is no ocean that I cannot conquer. They say it is suppose to bring out the best out of you. Does it ?

I dont own the skies you know.

>_> dont bagi naek angin. Ok ?

I dislike, well yea, not to harsh, dislike human beings right now.

Food makes me happy. Cats makes me happy. And I dont teach people to be helpful nor to watch your words. You are good enuf in convincing how shitty things might be, why dont you start convincing me that it wont be. Yea, u lost it. Now you have to get it back.

It aint working.

Nothing is. Thanks.

If holding on is harder than letting go.

So I see no point for all of these right now. I see no point of me trying and putting my effort anymore. I wont deny it, and I cant deny it. That fact is lingering my mind, all the time. I just want to get it done.

By all means.

I understand how, well i dont understand it but i know how ur part, ur life, ur whatever is, whatever lah but I think it is not right to regard or to say like that to someone about their life. I totally get that ur having fun and having the time of your life which i dont get it but zip it. U dont say it like that.

Sometimes you got to care, sometimes.

No, it is all the time. Sigh.

What ? Am I hearing it wrong ? I wonder what would you say about it if I were to say that to you. Wana try ?

I dont mean to question, but arent you tripping big time. wayyyy big. cant handle it like a pro ? then tell me about it when it was my turn. I am not always that little black n white, cuddly, fatty, lump of fur of panda that u can find in a box, unwrap that gift box and voila u see me that way. No, I am not always like that. You can sometimes use me as a stone and bash somebodys face with it. And dont use the word maybe on me, it is either u do it, or you bloody dont. And perhaps, you just dont handle pressure and stress well. I know, it is fun to feel the feeling of everything is on your shoulders, and you have to be lifting it by your own will, whether you like it or not, or whether you can do it or not. Eventhough it wasnt yours anyways. And it is all left on you, to you. And this is the result of testing ones ability to tolerate, to accept, to understand, to resist, well to whatever crap you can think of.

So what, I am at fault

Fish that shit.

Reading into every word you say. And I dont need that, though.

I think it is very mean, to set limitations. Especially to set when you are not even suppose to. Where would you want to hide your wings then ? After all, dont you realize, you might not be able to fly anymore one fine day and your beautiful wings would just go to waste just like that. And at that moment, who would you want to blame ? The person who set the limitations or yourself who chose to live by those limitations.

I think it is very mean to not consider things, or to take things into account. Or to only consider your own side without thinking of others. As you know, in anything at all, there is the black, and there is the white. Always note that in almost anything at all, there are two sides. So consider them. God did not make things to be two sided just for fun. There must be a meaning behind it.

I think it is very mean to either set your standards high or to treat somebody in some, certain way, just like how you want it. Why make people suffer or be sad or not being able to let them live and express themselves. Why the pressure ? Who do you think you are in the first place ?

I think it is very mean to not being able to express yourself freely. By all means, not only your feelings, or your words, but your actions, doings, wants. If you cant do all those, then what can you do ? Breathe and do nothing with your life ? Where is your value in your life then ?

I think it is very mean to live by the past, not because you did not wish to forget about it, but the inability to erase it from your head cause of the impact that it gave you. Or maybe because it aint the past, it is still the present and you have to be dealing with it. How unfair is that ?

I think you say so much shit. So I ask you, what are you going to do about it ?!

I think the saying of, like father like son, or like father like daughter. This is darn true. So if it is true, the hell am I here for ? If it is darn true, I dont want a life like that. Never. I dont want to live that way.

With you, talk is just talk. Sigh.

Prove me wrong.

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know