How shall or can I express my feelings of dislike about something ?

If i could draw, or capture that certain some scene in a camera and develop the film, i would light a lighter up and burn it. That is how i think of it. I dont like it. And perhaps has no idea on how to like the picture any time soon. It is ugly. Ugly, i dont like it. If at all i would like it someday anyways. If. At. All.

Why so cheap in a way ?

Is it so fun sunat-ing yourself just because somebody won the football match? Gosh. Your thang that ur gona cut is so cheap man.

I see why many people prefer people of the same sex now.

I see it.

Why am I the one who needs to know you? And you just sit there like you are mr dont-know-it-all ?

Are you not listening to me when i am talking to you? Or you cant hear me coz I am not screaming at the top of my lungs just to make you hear me out? Or if you could actually hear me, but faintly, why on earth didnt you ask me what was it that I was talking about? Or I talk to much and so non of em makes sense to you? It does not matter, kan ?

I dont see my point and the point of me later on screaming at the top of my lungs to tell you that. Firstly, I admit, it is stupid and ridiculous. But so what? I am that. I am that for now anyways. What is my point talking or mentioning it to you if all i get is yelling, and screaming. I never thought ones reason to express to somebody is to get that sort of reaction out of that somebody. If that is so, I take it back and bloody wasted my time of trying to get myself heard or getting what we call, self pity kinda attention? Well i do that such stupid pathetic being i am. So i dont see what is the point of me talking about it if that is what i get. If i can talk to a wall, i would have.

I wish you would fall down one day right infront of me and i pretended and ignored it. I am just going to walk away. Or better. Il push you down to help you in a way.

I miss a lot. Very much.

I think i have wasted half of my life.

All because of these bullshitzz. Seems to me it is worthless. Very worthless when you went 10 miles, and you cant even get a mile from it. Oh you say you have done 3 miles ? I see you still on your butt. And you want me to render you paradise? My ass paradise. My ass. I dont see what is the point yelling at someone who realy wish she can yell at your face in the first place. You think she doesnt have feelings? Anger? Emotions? So you think you are the only one with those ability to express? Yeap my ass she doesnt. My ass. Why dont you say she doesnt have brains, just to make yorself feel better la kan. I am tired wanting to bother. Oh you are flunking? None of my bloody business. Oh you are in need ? Go help yourself if you think you are so goddamn bloody good and not giving other people a chance to have feelings and express themselves. First bright and smart thing to do, yell at them la, what else? At least i admit for being an ass and at least i try not being one rather than letting one suffer n wait for all these while. At least i do realize how poopy i am. For that i am way better than you are. None of my concerns anymore. What is the point of me concerning if this is it? You say yes u understand but bullshit my ass u understand. If you wudve understood u wouldnt be raising ur voice like that at me. Who the hell do u think i am? A pet puppy? My ass pet puppy. Even puppies doesnt like to get yelled at.

The more I try closing my eyes, the more I feel you poking my eyes and trying to rip my eyeballs off from its socket. Yes. I love it. I love it.

Of becoming something that means nothing

I sincerely genuinely feel so stupid. And u know what? I dont like being a desperate needy puppy.

Bangs head on the wall. Rolls on floor. Hides under the covers. Why dont u just suck all of the life out of me ? I dont want to face with the lies neither do i want to hear the truth about it. I dont want to hear anything. Especially when it is not going to help me out. Lets face it. Either way nothing will. Especially that. And then i think, what is there for me to put it in front, on top of the list. No point and it is not needed in this. To be strict is to prevent, to refrain, to abstain, to just stop. Stop right away. One more and stop. Just stop the shit out of it. I am going to faint soon. I should have pushed you down the 13th floor when i had the chance to do so. So then i could just end it. Instead of me now dangling by a string yet still bother to scream ur name for what? Idk. For fun. Sure. Fun. Pure fun. And when you hear sth, and u plant it in your head, and u get so excited and so eager n so happy about it, and expect so much about it, guess what? It is just a joke. Might as well i take everything as a joke? Like a heart, used to. Yes i know but i tell u, no, it does work for me. Yes, u cant change anything, but you can change yourself. That is funny btw. And yes u cant change anything, because i know ur so glad the arrangements are like that. You are so glad to be there, dont deny. And somehow i wonder till now, what the hell r u doing here? You like to say this, but that happens. Yes i am a one track mind. I am very the very not flexible. And i dont like to wait for 10 years just for that simple thing, comfort or support. I cant wait for that. And the longer i stay, the longer i loose the purpose, or the harder it gets for me to see the main purpose of all these. All.

An eye for an eye.

Where is your eye ? No, that ain't enough. I might even want to plan a trip to the bottom of the earth in search for gold. What do I do with the gold after that? Hit your head with that repeatedly till i feel relieved. Oh the joy. The joy.

When I say, yes, I get that you are bloody buzy

So you talk to my hand later kay when you need something.

Deeparaya ? Kid me ?

Y'all Malay people dont play mercun yang bunyi kuat gila macam bomb and kacau other people sleeping at night is it ?  And y'all Malay people xmen mercun sampai terbakaq tangan habeh semua is it ?  Just think about it. Before you utter some bad words about them or about how loud they are, you think about what you do during your Raya. Not you, but all of us as Malays. What do we do ? Yes, you can say you dont play mercun, I dont too, but during Raya, we live with those noises. And majority of people do not complain about it. Why ? Owhhh because its Raya.  It saddens me and yes irritates me to see y'all complaining about how loud they are playing for their Deepavali where we play a month before raya, betui dak ? setengah first puasa dah men, time orang terawih dah men. How bout that ? At least they are playing on the eve of Deepavali maynnnn. Makes me want to scold you and say dude, like you dont do it ?

I wish that we have all the patience that we can have for each other and never go bored or tired of each others company.

I do not have a life so what is there to complain about.

That is the funniest thing i have ever uttered so far.

I hate you.

No, that is part all that I want and I can say. Aint that free ?

Contradictions.

I have that, and go thru that. A lot. Its always the, i see the good in it but the picture, my its ugly to me, to my eyes. Its jusy ugly, i dont go near it nor want to touch it. But by right, nothing is wrong. Logically, nothing is wrong about the things that i have second thoughts about. I think i am not open and flexible enough to be able to see the good from and in it. Or should i grow up and let it go and try to overlook the ugly thang about it and only imagine sweet things about it? I feel that is what we call lieing to ourselves. Right at our own faces. So idkk. I mean. Really ?

A cloud hangs over this city by the sea,
I watch the ships pass and wonder if she might be,
Out there and sober as a well for loneliness,
Please do persist girl its time we met and made, a mess

I picture your face in the back of my eyes,
A fire in the attic a proof of the prize,
Anna-Molly, Anna-Molly, Anna-Molly...
Doo doo doo doo do doo doo doo doo doo

A cloud hangs over,
And mutes my happiness,
A thousand ships couldn't sail me back from distress,
Wish you were here,
I'm a wounded satellite,
I need you now put me back together make me right

I picture your face in the back of my eyes a fire in the attic a proof of the prize,
Anna-Molly, Anna-Molly, Anna-Molly
I'm calling your name up into the air
Not one of the others could ever compare!
Anna-Molly, Anna-Molly!

Wait there is a light,
There is a fire illuminated attic,
Fate or something better I could care less,
Just stay with me a while,
Wait there is a light, there is a fire defragmenting the attic,
Fate or something better I could care less,
Just stay with me a while

I picture your face in the back of my eyes a fire in the attic a proof of the prize,
Anna-Molly, Anna-Molly, Anna-Molly,
I'm calling your name up into the air.
Not one of the others could ever compare

Where is mine?

When I need it the most.

Yes. I struggle.

And I shall struggle alone. Enuff said.