What can he tell them now
Sorry I let you down
Sorry it wasn't quite true
But don't get hung up on it
Just solider on with it
And good luck with shooting the moon

Rolls over. >_<

I bloody hate this. A lot.

That little hope that squashes you.

Tell me it aint frustrating at all. Sigh.

Yes please, what else ?

If you cant say it right.

Then say nothing at all.

I am not gona ask you to stick around or glue you against the wall.

Coz I think if I do that, it might do me more bad than good.

Owh interesting.

Say that again and I will make sure you are sorry for it.

When you knock on my door when I am asleep.

Just for fun. I will make you pay for it.

Do I feel bad? Frankly, I dont. At all.

I would commit more if I could. And I might do it if I dont feel like making amends, I would do it. If I feel like you should be stabbed, I would stab you.
Is it a crime ? I am not ready to give up and be a victim. I am not ready to give myself up for something like that. What does it take for things to be the way they should actually ne.

I wish I can hate certain things for life.

For real. For life.

I never knew it meant so deep

Buzz. Make it longer.

And I hope karma police would arrest you. Soon.

It is just a picture. And I wont deny that just a bloody picture can paint a thousand words. Well much more than that.

It can paint how unfair life is or how someone is towards you. It can paint good times or bad times be it with or without you. It can paint well, i dont wana say it. Over and over again because it tires me, coz you know why, it really did cost my life and my time, wasted ones i tell u. So can I forget? So can I let it go just like that? If lifes actually means nothin to me, maybe then i can put this aside. And u know what, ur lucky coz u didnt have those wasted moments with u. And when somebody comes up to u and ask, did u live your life, be happy and proud that you can actualy say, yes, i did have my life, i did live my life like how i wanted it, like how i deserved it, i had fun. Can i say that? Am afraid not. Why? Maybe you know why. Look at yourself and look at me. And I thank you for that.

I feel like sucking the life out of you.

It aint helping, either way.

Here it is.

But I need to breathe. And dont come to me and complain to me about my breathing cause in the first place, you breathe better than me !

Oh boy am I happy.

The trials time table are out.
The real exam time table are out.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, i kenot wait !

* sigh, great

I would like to talk to the cats or walls if it does make me feel better.

Yeaaap. School please come

I get tired in maintaning conversations lately.

I would prefer being on my own and laze and sleep and watch weird crappy movies while I wait for school to start. Yes I am glad school is soon. For now. Life goes back to normal.

I think I enjoy opening and closing the book like it is no big deal.

Well, you do it anyways. So I would like to do it toooo.

When its a no.

You wont be hospitalized for it.

Everything happens for a reason.

I must have faith and trust that, it will all be ok and turn out good, better than it is now. It all happens for a reason, if it still does not go good or accordingly, it means I am still not there yet so I must be patient and wait. I must know that there are far more important and better things than this, it is very hard to deny but lets take it that way now. I have no choice, i know that. And fretting about it aint gona bring back time or make me have it anyway anyhow. Nope, nothing is going to change so imma go on with my life as it is, like i normaly do. And yes, brace myself for what I might see or read these few days.

Teeeheee ! This explains why I feel like ramming, stabbing or hurt people almost all the time.

I shall cut all communications.

I shall look down and not go gatai look at things now. M upset. Again.

Like killing a vampire

I will take a knife and stab it right at your heart.

I bloody regreted looking at it.

Cool down.

It is easier said than done. Been waiting for almost 8 months? Well been thru it for almost all of these time, cool down? Oh yes.

And by far, I think that is the stupidest most terrible decision that you could ever make without telling me beforehand. Oh wait, it aint important anyways.

What the hell is appreciating when you do so much, or you just do it or you dont do it or you let it do it, aint being appreciated. what fish is the point when now somebody is ok with it but you cant do it. Might as well go and eff yourself. You should have realized it and done it 10 years ago, shouldnt you? Instead of seriously letting one suffer and cry and dread to this extend only you want to realize kan. Kan ? How can one be so selfish and unfair towards one. You can say as many things as you want, do whatever you want, one thing I can assure you, I cant and am not able to get back what I have wasted and what I have lost. so dont you come to me and say its the same story. It is not. At least you dont have to bloody dreaddddd3 about, coz you know why, it will never bloody happen to you. so you should be happy for that. I wish I had done something last time so then I didnt have to hope like shit this time and being crushed like this. Yes I have been waiting it since forever and guess what ? I need to continue doing so. And guess what are you doing now ? Oh boy I dont want to know. So dont come to me and say you cant do it, bloody shit you can. thank you so much for all of these unnecessary crap that I would never ever ask for in my whole life. I wish I could mould all of these and of what i am feeling right now into a huge ball and shove it down your throat and say, there, taste it, have it, live with it ! And tell me that you are the most happiest person after that. And I am not gonna be an angel and scratch and rub your back anymore. I didnt get it when I needed it anyways so you can rot away.

Have hopes.

U kiddd meee ???

Define raya.

Do I even want to start again. No.

I am glad that we all now feel the same way.

I am very glad.

Kita saket hati saket kepala semua cukup.

No, it doesnt seem enough for me to put all the blame on you coz I now seriously have no idea how to let this go. Forever it will haunt me. Again. So I cant let it go just like that. And i wish i could walk away just like that like an asshole. Yeah walk away, run if you want, be an asshole. And yes, do it more often i really do appreciate it. And so i wish i stood up for myself more often and decided for things i wanted to more often so then it wouldnt come to this day. I wish ididnt follow much like a donkey and nodded my head so much so then it didnt have to come til this point. And so i have to pay again? It makes me feel so stupid. And those are my wasted years. And i am still counting. Great. Makes me feel even more stupid. And what the fuck is there to tell about if it has already been decided. Yea tell me about it again.

It saddens me even more.

Moreeeeee i tell you moreee.

Oh yeah ?

Oh yeah !

As much as I wish you will be there.

I shall wear my dark shades.

sad

Tick tock it wont stop till i drop.

Tau dak panaih hati tu apa? Haaa.
Tau dak geram tu apa ? Haaaa.
Tau dak tak suka tu apa? Haaaa.
Tau dak pantang tu apa? Haaa.

Many more . . .

I dont mean to be rude but you are worth a stare.

How come sudeny most people do look good these days. And smell good also.

Brace myself. That is not the only thing.

School. Y u no come fast. I dont see my point of having a week off and this is what I am spending it with. Shit. Yeap. If it is like this, might as well i have classes and care not about holidays in the first place. Idk how m i going to actually contain this rage m having inside me. I cannot deal with this.

How can a packet of Famous Amos cookies not make you happy.

Well, you got that fact wrong.

Id really just want to sit at the corner of a room n cry my eyeballs out.

I had a long day. A very long one. I just want to curl up and lick myself n hibernate. This is not what i want. And this is not what i need now. And this is the last thing i need right now. Where is my pillow now. It frustrates me in every bloody way. And i just dont like it. I dont.

Y u no understand.

Y u no let me.
Y u no make things easy for me.
Y u no let me do it.
Yyyyyyyy.

If a guy can eat two full bowls of ur screwed up speghetti meatballs even after a long day of eating and still has the will and guts to say it taste good and enjoying every spoon of it and not a single word of complain or signs of dissatisfaction, that is deep.

We cant be sure.

But I hate it when things get planted in my brain. So moral of the story, for goodness sake, dont plant things in my brain. It makes it worse when it starts fruiting.

Here we are.

Lets get some stapples and plasters and bam it right at my face.

Ur an angel sent from up above if it does not bother u.

I wish you were never like that. I wish you never did like that.

Ever. I dont deserve all these.

Gather your pathetic masses and bring them to me.Gather your psychotic masses and bring them to me.

The truth is sickening.
We don't need to change it, really
I kind of like it ugly!

I'm just a normal girl !
 That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove that I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

Fish reluctant fish

Bullpoop. Oh gawd.

It might just be a 3 minute call.

You always do it at the right time. Coincidence? I cant say tho. More often than not it happens. Does it bother me like crap? Yes it does now, it really does. What am i suppose to do? Get second opinion? Make myself feel worse? Either way.

And yes, i cant wait for all this to end so then my classes starts again and my life is back to normal. And also yes i cant wait for the end of year holidays when everybody might be having classes and what il do is just shake legs at home, but its just 2 weeks tho.


* sigh *

Dggghhheeaadddd like poopy.

Nuff said. All i want to do is just sleep. I do better at faking and ignoring things rather than facing it. Nuff said.

I just want to be a volatile liquid. Vanilla scented.

Deep down, I might just have so many things to say and so many things that I want to do, but I just dont do it. I now feel like being a well, err a milk, in a can, n that you poke holes on that can or ok, just take that can and pour the milk out. Yea, i want to pour myself out and be so vulnerable for now. For a few days, I hope not.

That is heavy.

I shall sail far and get the true meaning of it. I want to know. I want to know and face that fear. I want to know what it has been lacking, what it has been missing. But i dont know how. I cant read a book or google it up as a matter of fact.

What is the meaning of raya to me?

Well, lets fill in the blanks now.

Do not blow up like a blow fish.

Donttt !

You make amends by being good.

To all your friends ?

What is the easy way out? The easiest?

Either way you shouldnt have done one of em. What is the best way for me to deal with this, n plus not wanting to be rearing a huge white elephant or feeling guilty at all. Either way.

Suasana raya di kampung.

Hurmmmmmm. O_o

And no. Idk how to em, face this, i mean what eff m i suppose to say again? Sigh. Idk

That beautiful moment when.

You accidentally slept and when u got up, u got no idea about whatever happened yesterday, or what time it is right now or what day is it. Just, clean, clean mind, ntg inside. And oh boy it feels so good with that mind. But 5 mins later, everything starts swimming in and your brain recalls whatever happen yest. Then a huge sigh comes along. Why cant my mind stay clean for the whole day. Why must yesterday come. Or a thought of later come. Why. >_<

it sucks when I think about it.  >_< when will i ever snap out of this

Theres gotta be more

What more ?

Anna Molly

I will do this. I will restore balance to my life. At the right amount that I need. I might just want to rely on my insticts and guts now. I dont know how or what but I will. Yes, AS is coming. trials is coming. lets not forget that.

Your shit is overrated

Yeah I thought so.

The more it gets. The closer it gets. The further I wish it is. Wayyyy far. But then again, when it does go far away, would I want it ?

Let it be.

How can I ?

Anyyywaysss.

Thanks so much. If you feel it so, dont do it. Sigh. Sigh. Greatt. Just great. Greaaaattt !

Raya is coming. Lets watch awesome ads about raya that can make your eyeballs tear up till it bleeds.

Epiphany. That is a strong word. Note to myself.

I hate waiting.

Nuff said.

Errrrrr.

Noooo. I dont want to imagine myself to be in it.

Say whattttt ?

Why ask if you can do it yourself?

I like that. Reminds me of an old lady with 40 cats or so.

Its a yes but its a no ?

Fish is that ?

I believe that is the least of your concerns.

So obviously you wont bother asking. Anyways, dream on !

If you cant make it, then say it so. Its fine.

Dont get peoples hope way up high knowing that actually you cant even do it.

First thing to get up with.

Dont like that thing. Susah sangat ka just to want something from you that you just got from me. Just a conversation. A bloody stupid conversation. Oh gosh. Why i bother to even stay awake and spend time if I could have just slept. >_<

I am glad that Physics and Mechanics can somehow be related.

But in exams, no, they are two completely different things.

When your heart is broken you plant seeds in the cracks and you pray for rain.

10 hari lagi nak raya ???

I will leave that statement just like that. Thank you.

Aint what I thought.

I hate having good thoughts but it aint reaching any inch nearer. I am tired. I wonder why I still actualy bother to put effort and make amends. Why do I actually try so hard to move on and make things right again? Yes i wonder.

Sleep is good.

Sleep is for the good.

Indian manisan.

I love youuu.

Keep dreaming , girl.

Keep dreaming.

I want to break free.

Get out of the line.

Sigh. What is the need. Where is the need.

Makes me feel very worthless. Thats why. And make it 10 days. Then do it more often.

Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad

Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin threat

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The place that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad

I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

You just made my ears bleed.

I dont like get your point right now or what but like, maynnn, u tripping brah? You like expect me to like him or what by saying that ? What?

I dislike people who does not talk or engage in conversations.
I hate people who does not know how to speak properly, ie starts the conversation or replies with, kepala otak hang. =_= how old are you to need to be taught on how to speak properly again? It does not hurt to behave and have a proper way to speak. And have manners also.

I dont want it. But.

Sigh. Why. Why.

I am rather torn in between.

It is not that I am taking sides neither I want to hate any sides.

I dont know why I still bother to back up.

When somebody would come up to me and say.

I understand you. I really do. I will say right at your face, thats bull. and you can keep all those false hope to yourself.

Lets see how far it will all go.

I wear my heart upon my sleeve like a big deal.

I have at last come to a point where I have decided to cut communication or connection whatever for this period of time. I dont think I actually want to know or to bother for now. And I dont want to think also. And that I seriously want to take as much time as I can because I want to find myself again. I want to actually weigh the important things in my life right now and to know how much I am worth and to know myself again. I have my AS coming in less than two months now. If it does me more bad than good, I dont want to jeopardise my future. I have come to a point where I cannot go on like that anymore and I cannot deal with it anymore. I cannot take it anymore, to be done that way. To be given the false hope that you so called understood my situation for one night and then you forget about it the next morning, and this has happened countless times as I remembered I explained myself numerous times. Over and over again. I had enough of being given so called words and support to say that one would actually put up with my crappy self and or make an effort to help me with it without actually being told or asked or begged to do so. I am tired of askin what I actually should get or to fulfil my needs, it is enough for now. Let me fulfil my own needs and wants now. So help me with it. If you cant or do not want or aint got any bloody idea on how to do so, I am already at a point where I actually want you to step aside and leave me alone and I will help myself because I am done hoping that you would actually do the same as what I have been doing for all these while. If you say it is really your fault, then be responsibble for it. Take the responsibility and deal with it and fix it. Not just say yes you would do it one night and forget about it the next morning. I am already at a very bad state due to my unwanted stupidity, the last thing I need right now is someone to make me feel more stupid and hopeless and helpless. If you cant help someone, at least dont make it worse. I didnt ask for this nor wished that I end up this way but I cant help it anymore. I am at a state where I am done denying. I am done hoping that I would actually get the help that I actually need. Some things are acceptable but this is not anymore. And I did not simply for fun put up with you also for all these while.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

I want it to actually make sense now.

I got to remind myself to say I am rather than may I.

Very nice.

How nice if you dont have to ask
How nice if you dont actualy get a no for an answer.
How nice if you dont have to keep feeling guilty and deal with it.
How nice if you dont always have to consider and reconsider.
How nice if you can just do it just because you want to, what is there left to think of kan.
How nice if you dont have to keep chasing it like a puppy and its bone. Chasing what? Permission.

I cant believe I did that.

That sounds way better.

And the world is a vampire.

I wonder why i still do it.

Just to prove that i can do it? What is left.

Not up to it. Dont sign for it.

Keep wishing.

Macam toot. Tak tau nak habaq. Tak terkata.

Penat. Mengantok. I would like to cut all ties.

Deny it ?

Maybe I dont want it in a way. Maybe I had enough.

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
Be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space
I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down
Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow, yeah
Just to prove that I knew how, yeah
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Sat front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

At least I made you wished to be a girl.

I wished i wasnt anything, a person who does not need to have needs and wants. How bout that ?

Slowly. My AS is more important. Way.

Nuclear physics.

Sounds bull to me now. It now seems like it does not make sense ! Sigh. Why cant we just stick to normal atoms and radioactivity crap. Minus quarks and up and down spins and whatnot.

I realize that I hardly say it.

I wonder why.

Dont blow up.

Constant reminder to myself. Brighter side? I dare not think about it.

Yes you can.

No I cant. What am I suppose to say again? Oh it is fine. It is ok. My ass.

Worried face.

Yeah2 i dont wana hear it.

And soo, people say becareful with what you wish for, was I careful enough? So i am deciding to take it this way. Put every negative thing about it in my head and shove it right up my arse and say, this is it. You want it, you have it. Go and paint the town red while you still can. Although yes i have voices in my head debating about the logical truth or facts because i feel like, so what right? It aint my problem or it aint my concern and that is not how i want things to be. If this is a test for me or a way to train myself, i am really not up to it or geared up right now but i believe once am in it, i would like it and live with it. For the time being? If the need of being away would aid in self healing, i might opt for that. Yes i might sound desperate but i didnt ask for this, for me to change. So man up. I shall soak everything in soon and live what i should have lived.

I dont care. Seriously

I HATE PEOPLE WHO SPOILS OTHER PEOPLES MOOD.

NUFF SAID

It was ugly. So why must it be beautiful for u now?

That was what i could recall.

When expectations are not met.

You can just dream about it.

To an extend i need to tell myself to be a good kid.

I tend to see that, this past week or so, i dont think i have actually gone thru a day without thinking of letting it go.

When i see it is irritating or annoying, i will say it so.
When i dont like it, i will say it so.