I sincerely genuinely feel so stupid. And u know what? I dont like being a desperate needy puppy.

Bangs head on the wall. Rolls on floor. Hides under the covers. Why dont u just suck all of the life out of me ? I dont want to face with the lies neither do i want to hear the truth about it. I dont want to hear anything. Especially when it is not going to help me out. Lets face it. Either way nothing will. Especially that. And then i think, what is there for me to put it in front, on top of the list. No point and it is not needed in this. To be strict is to prevent, to refrain, to abstain, to just stop. Stop right away. One more and stop. Just stop the shit out of it. I am going to faint soon. I should have pushed you down the 13th floor when i had the chance to do so. So then i could just end it. Instead of me now dangling by a string yet still bother to scream ur name for what? Idk. For fun. Sure. Fun. Pure fun. And when you hear sth, and u plant it in your head, and u get so excited and so eager n so happy about it, and expect so much about it, guess what? It is just a joke. Might as well i take everything as a joke? Like a heart, used to. Yes i know but i tell u, no, it does work for me. Yes, u cant change anything, but you can change yourself. That is funny btw. And yes u cant change anything, because i know ur so glad the arrangements are like that. You are so glad to be there, dont deny. And somehow i wonder till now, what the hell r u doing here? You like to say this, but that happens. Yes i am a one track mind. I am very the very not flexible. And i dont like to wait for 10 years just for that simple thing, comfort or support. I cant wait for that. And the longer i stay, the longer i loose the purpose, or the harder it gets for me to see the main purpose of all these. All.