I would love to sleep for the whole day.

My choice of words. My choice of thoughts.

It is normal to get up in the morning and have the few second of le blank moments coz you just got up. Then, when your senses starts kicking in, for me, I call it first thoughts right affter you are actually alive to the world. It might be, I thank god for giving me a chance for waking up again today or either you panicked coz you forgot or late for sth or the stuff that happened yesterday.

As for me, its either sth that has happened that I do not ever wish to see or know, simply because I just dont want to know, because either I dont have it or I cant feel it or things like that, or things that hasnt happen or sth that is just in my mind, yeap, it is only an image that I created in my mind that I am just afraid of or freaked out about. That even by any case, might or might not happen at all. Traumatized by certain things ? Perhaps. Sigh.

Be it if I am cleaning the house or busying myself, still it wont work. Yeah, cramming myself with loud music works, sometimes. That thought would still be stuck in my head and it is putting pressure in my brain. So, maybe I just need to engage in conversations, by all means, a non-stop blabbering conversation just to block my mind from my unwanted thoughts.

And my only hope is to fall asleep at night and hope that tomorrow morning, I would get up with wanted thoughts instead of unwanted thoughts. So, I guess now I need to focus on how to control my mind pulak. doi.

If a picture paints a thousand words.

I think its the art of accepting and forgiving. Of accepting for the fact that, you have flaws, and you did some, and same goes to me. I am not perfect and so are you. You learn to accept my imperfectness and lived with it. So must I. There are things that I am capable of, there are things that I am not, and you are the same. I know i have done wrong too. But you lived with my flaws and my faults, so must I. You accepted me for the way I am, for every weird things I do and have, for the weirdest laugh or sound that I make, to my bunny teeth, to my shortnest and my fatness, to my maggy hair, to my stupid secrets and inside jokes, to my irritating non stop blabbering, to how crappish and screwed up I am, you like me in every way there is. And I like you too, in every way there is. Your messy yet soft hair. Your never ending wanginess but you still do smell nice without any cologne. Your small gap in the middle of your teeth, of how cute it is. your hairy but muscular legs. your chubby cheeks. Of how your eyes will squint when you smile and the lines on your cheeks. Your whale-ness but I always feel safe when I am around you from day one, perhaps your secrets too that nobody might know but I accept it and didnt change my mind about what I think of you, of how honest and crappy you are when you are around me, haha. I am glad that I dont have to put make up on or wear nice things to impress you, I dont have to put a mask over my face. I am glad that I can go out and spend time with you without even bathing for a day or with a chocolate smudged on my face. I am glad I can be who I am when I am with you.

It is hard for me to accept things right now, I am at the verge of we say 'destroying myself'. And for that, thank you for being very patient and just being there with me. I might not be as patient or as strong as I might be, but I will try my best.

All in all, I have what you dont have. But you too, have what I dont have.

I think I am done being manic. Oh wait, I am not ! I am manic, remember ?

I kept saying, all along the way, pull yourself together, mend yourself together, hold yourself together, Get a grip, etc2, craps that are alike. I never knew it took me for over an hour or so to do that, and the effort, I feel like im climbing mount everest.

And thats not it, when I try very hard to pull myself together, when I am almost there, great, it crashes down. Firstly, do you know how hard it is to do it by yourself ? Yes, you have to practically pick yourself up instead of somebody helping you for it. always this, not enough, not hard enough, everything is not. so, take it or leave it la ?

ok fine, i did it. then it crashes. Do u know the word tired ? or not tired, its the i worked so hard to be ok but i ended up not ok again so eff it i am not trying again. ok ? so are u going to help me out again ? no. and stop saying i dont know. all i am waitingg for is for me to be able to fall asleep tonite and just sleep. sleep, thats all I want.

Yes, people say, at times people just need a shoulder to cry on and a pair of ears just to be heard. what if pulak its when i not only need a shoulder and a pair of ears, but a direction. something firm that I can build from there. so, try and distinguish when that person just needs attention or when they really need a good piece of advice.

idk whether its my hormones that are going crazy or my mind. u do read about depression, bipolar, manic, ocd, many more. u have signs, symptoms, cure, bla3. So, lets say u have some of the signs, when should you seek help anyways ? how do u really know u know ? how to help, be a shrink and help me out.

and its always the, you can do it but i cant do it. or, u do it, i do it too. sigh.