let me fall and fade away into ashes of broken hopes

1045 pm

how do u feel?
feel like dieng.. literally..

waht is wrong??
ask god

what happened??
if i know, i wudnt feel this bad..

whres +ness?
ahahhahahah...shrieks...

how will my day be tomorrow.??
does it look like ill get up at the rite side of the bed n tht sunshine wud b filled?

wassup on wed??
exam!!! yeap.. im starting to feel the strain.. n its killin me!!

wassup on october??
peperiksaan menengah rendah

hes like think postive!!!
n m like ya gawd.. its gettin harder to breathe by every minute..

why m i so down??
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............

even i just dont feel like replyin smses... gawd..

n hes askin me to relax..
n that u wont be emo if u don say so.
so if i keep sayin im emo, then im emo..
but dude!!! if lifes that ez!!

are u ready 4 tomorrow?
hell no!!

what do u want to do?
cry. rip my heart out and feed it to the dogs.. n2 stabbing myself..

sobz..

shitt.......

kiss me thru the phone

kiss me thru the phone
mad
cookie jar
love story
wake me up when september ends

n ma phone boley mms tetiba!!! apa g!!!! guna la!!! ahaks...

thank u god!!!

ok so i slept at 2 am tadi got up at 6.. was chilling.. then he msgd me ask to bgn.. so bgn la.. sekola pon kan.. syok gila babi p skola!!! aku gila dah la kan.. so bgn.. then high3!!! since slept ony 4 4 hours.. had to b high to survive.. had too... so was loud n high n mad.. till tym rehat..

pastuh lepas rehat after kh lagi la.. gawd..

but its over.. suma ok.. we chatted!!! on the phone!!! yea i love that person!!!
we sang songs.. love story, alwiz b my baby, n blame it on me n oso ada ckit2 kiss me thru the phone..

wat hapened at school??

perhimpunan ok.. saw him.. bit of spikey2.. hahah..

then erm.. sejarah. it was ok..

then was screamin bout sej folio again s usual.. thank god we didnt go to fort corn.. if we did.. fort corn will be broken into half.. n tht itll explode.. ill b screamin n fitin to them stop tlkin in tamil n that please decide on sth n b fckinly sure bout it.. rinesh n theva wud b fitin over antin.. deena wud b like OMG3!!!! yash wud b all down n emo since its all shitty.. jeeha will maybe taking out her slipper n slappin us all or just laughin n get high..

thank god ahh x p. tu pun wat jam besar.. cam ngn haram kecoh thp cipan siyott!!!

that was recess n sej.. then pj as usuall.. pokpek2 in bilik persalinan then walk round the field.. then blueberrys wud hang out at our fav spot.. n chat34!!!! again...

then kh.. then bm.. zurina xdk.. so we argued again bout the folio.. screams3!!!! then still screams!!! then yeah walked around the class n coridor witout shoes.. sang songs.. n its love story!!! over n over again!!! ahaks.. hu gives a fuck.. that song means so much to me n honey!!! gahgah..

ok la dt tym.. but not that ok.. was damnly bothered by it.. gee..

but yeah its all over now.. n tht i hope itll neva eva happen again coz it hurts me.. im not gud in words.. im tryin.. though..

n yeah i do see like nowadays m like kinda positive!!!! hahahhahah... have i found my petrol? no i dont think so.. but at least i do think to smile n at least get up at 6am evntho i just slept for a couple of hours with a smile.. wide too.. yeap 1st thing i do now is smile!!!! then ill go on n do crap.. yeap msg at tyms also.. as if i dont have to go to school.. so yeah me n positiveness.. at least i do try to make myself hepi n help out. n finish my work n smile..

shittttt...

to b continued....

thank u god!!!

yay!!! thank u god.. since i bgn 1149 tadi pagi.. ive bbeen searchin 4 petrol.. well eventho now actually x jumpa my petrol or my pendorong.. its ok!!! coz im high!!!

wana know why??? *batting eyelashes **

abg rafael, kitorang nk perkenalkan this akak ni keja lecturer baru at umis campus.. u nk kenal x wit her?? or u dh ada special gf??

2 hours later.....

sure.. why not..

aku apa lagi... jerit lompat skiy high!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahaks... i was like smilin like hell tym ttn.. lantak ahh org ckp aku gila.. aku epi gila.. + angau poon ada la sikit...ahaks!!!

haih.. i love being high!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pastuh.. me n kak noran dok baLas2 msg la carik2 info n all..

me contcting noran n rafael.. her name is azyyati anwar.. hahah

kecik2, putey2, fair2... kemungkinan bakal akak ipar ku.. hehe 2nd akak ipar!!!

pastuh rafael call.. yeap hes giving gud signs ppl!!! epi gila aku.. i was so damn excited wen he called.. dok senyum ckp nyA extra loud kat chennai. lantak ahh depa ckp aku gila.. aku syok

!!! sapa x??!!!

gahgah...

suma org dok usha aku since aku gila terlebey.. hahahax..

n alhamdulillah.. my mum pun syok since nk matchmake diorang.. yeap.. she mmg syg rafael.. fuh.. yeap she pon excited smcm... like me!!!

so we all skang ni.. jadik part tytm matchmaker.. but dad full time.. hahah... my mum ckp she nk buka agency match makin... hahahahaha...

so skang dah bgi num kat rafael.. oh god.. please mke evrythin go well.. ive never been so happy like tis...

ohh n yeah.. xlupe lak.. tadi 7sth kak siti!!!!! call!!!!!!

i was like wtf?!!!! kak ka ni???? i just cudnt blive shes on the line talkin 2 me.. but yeah the whole tym i dgr jer she ckp wateva.. s for me gahgah.. yeap i cried the whole tym.. i didnt say anitin just cried n angguk2 n lisened 2 her.. yeap i miss her dt much.. dari angkat phone till letak dok nanges.. cm ngn pa g...

nnti i nk call dia g... nnti sure nges g.. tu ahh i xnk call diaa coz mmg i akn cry.. gee!!! xpe ahh.. i got big news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! awat epi sgt tah.. hahah

n2.. yeap.. i nid to carik petrol. or aka pendorong..

oke2.. actually aiman ni sebenrnya xdk prinsip hiduop.. helooo cubala tgk aiman ckit..

if kat skola.. smpai2 ja kelas bukak kasut. dok bersila atas kosi.. pastuh mkn dlm kelas.. boley wor khoo ajar maths indices kat depan aku g mkn spaghety goreng kt blkg.. yeap pungkoq!!!

pastuh xlupa pada suka roll up sleeves.. n jln dlm klass tnpa pakai kasut.. socks ja.. pastuh loudness nya volume tuhh.. no comment.. pastuh dgq lagu g dlm kelas.. smtyms amek gmbar la rekod apa cg ajr or if stai tahap cipan videotape!! pernah siyot buat.. ahakss.. then msg tu jgn dok ckp ahh..

so apa prinsip aiman?? u can c rite wer m goin... ahaks..

( so i actually xdpt my petrol.. gawd.. but xpala.. hhee.. but i have to find it soon!!! )

[ n im talkin to kak siti 4 one hour ++ d.. hehe.. din cry.. m just so hepi!!! ]

thank u god!!!

well my aim la..

mula2 tym emo gila2.. my aim is to only make my parents happy.. by gettin gud grades.. 2ja my aim.. n my hapines n my hopes n all bout me.. gone!!! the ony imprtnt ting is ma parents being hepi.. so meanin me being high n loud xdk la since il never think of my happiness except my parents happines..

[ im not at all ready 4 2mroow.. ni pon bru ja siap sej.. gawd.. oh well i m gona sleep late anyway.. latest by 2 ]

ok2.. so then when 2009 started, yeap i wasnt s emo s i expected and predicted.. n thta gud.. just ada la emo.. but ok la.. not like u know.. all alone.. al pure emo all black, with pierces on me.. all black.. hair covering my eye n part of my face.. xdk la seteruk tu..

but mostly now my life is like up n down.. never constant.. but goshh...

ada emo, ada loose temper.. ada gila3!!!! ada ok2!!! ada borink!!!!!!!!!! ada very bothered and annoyed and bugged and disturbed.. but thts kinda like constantly..

ok

so aim lah.. alwiz nk jdik high.. alwiz.. nk jdik crzy.. yeap baby!!! high!!!!!!!!!!

n tht im in the search of my pendorong.. its either a thing or someone.. i may have found it.. but thts temporary.. im findin sth tht cn last long n really push me and at the same tym help me up n giv moral support.. be there n all.. someone or sth tht cn help me alwiz b high n epi.. lemme finis all my hmwrk.. n nt gorgettin study!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! constantly n continously!!!!!!!!!! smone who can get rid of my emo n be high all the tym..

n2 another aim.. i want to be there 4 everyone n anyone.. ( yeap im nt,.. i know i surely know tht im nt tht type of person. but i wan to.. ) help em out anytym.. be their ear.. just help n make the wurld a bet aplce.. ahaks.. mcmla aku ni bgoih ngt..

to b continued.. 1210 am!!! esk skola!!!! ahaks.. no comment.

xoxo

_____________________________________________________

but actually the truth is.. im aimless.. idont know wat i want.. n even how i feel n all.. gawd.. but yeah at least i do try t b epi n positive n all.. at least i m.. n i enjoy doing mths again!!! n i finish it!!! just like i used to!!! yay!!! n that even if i msg n all i can switch back to maths or hmwork or watsoever.. like i can just refocus.. yes!!!

next step.. boost my memory.. n also everything!!!

i have to study..

pendorong..

i need to find petrol..

not temporary but it can last..

sth tht cn make me hepy.. if emos comin to drown me, i can switch it up n be high..

i need it.

sth tht can make me go to school everydfay without mengeluh at all..

- gawd.. mood gone to write.. i think its enuff of my petrol.. -

lets see waht else do i have in mind!!1

yeah i knoiw..

live life to the fullest

live my life the way i want it n not being a hipkrit at all..

hu gives a fuck if tht person has probs or issues wit u..rite?

n that alwiz smile..

n live like theres no tomorrow..

and make everyone happy..

n alwiz be happy..

n give n love everythin with full of ma heart n never ever expect anything in return..

n rock on!!!!

ahaks..

( now this guy pulak ckp wat if i say ill fall for u if she doesnt want me.. no... well i cant say no im not gona say yes to u coz i wana b loyal.. since hes so damn down now.. so i cant.. ill jst say... tah.. i cant.. i lvoe this two persons in my life.. but the other one is more.. coz i know that person wudnt hurt me no matter wat.. n that im not scred or ragu2 to love that person with full of ma heart n give tht person my heart too.. but u know wat??!! life aint that easy.. it has to be complicated.. n then we call it life.. geeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 )

i think this is enuff.. its sickening..

ggggrrrrrrrrrrrr...........

terjaga since it was my normal 6am alarm.. then decided to go back to sleep..

then 8sth again i guess or wat.. coz god knows what.. wanted to get up but i was like.. gawd.. yeap..

1149 still on bed.. well got up coz of a loud bang of god knows whose door..

still resuing to get up.. but i was like i have to eat, bathe, schools tomorrow, my goddamn fucking folio!! which i didnt do anything this morning since i was sudeni off.. gawd.. then ttn later.. its like only 3hoours away.. n yeap.. the main reason i got up is coz i rmbd tht i have to give the presesnt to fitree n tht its still unwrapped.. ( thi smornins job )...

so i dragged maself.. got up.. n here i m.. shyte.. i feel so bad.. all of a sudden.. after a 1am shower.. blughhh... stupid ass..

high!!! coke+msg/ajinomoto ahakss...

my so call diary

it was cold.. n had to strap myself so tht i dont fly off from the car.. 130-140 mph






rafaels bday.. n camwhorin with my sis.. hehe.. n b4 that she thought me hoe to strum!!! god!!! n she rawks man!! raudha rawks!!!

i was there for almost three hours then later on had to rush to buy groceries then pick up the cake for raf.chocolater indulgance is heaven baby!!! ok la.. then bythe time i reached home.. my suppose to be straight hair coz i ironed it went all curly.. again.. nice.. so not...

was goin for god knows whose wedding.. the imprtant thing is tht.. at least i had to go 4 kenduri for lucnh!! hehe..

it was just now.. at tesco.. waitin 4 the jam to ease.. my mum is tired.. as for me.. gime cash baby!!! n bring me back to gurney or queens!!! ill spend like theres no tomorrow!!! ahaks..!!

donyt ask me wat i was tryna do or say or mean or picture or wateva.. i just like tht penguin.. n was like ma3!!! iw ana take a pic wit pingu!!! ahahaha.. then the 2nd one was ma mum pickin her bju.. me bored. n epi coz just bot bday presents.. 3rd was i was bored.. again.. theres no bum watches there!!! gee!!!

again.. dont ask me.. i just like tht merc!!! haha.. saja wat gedik dgn god knows whose car!! mad3!!!

me n honey on thurs.. n rite is the kerja kayu.. the corak for the batik print.. love wor.. ahaks..

camwhoring again.. i had fun man.. but sadly it was sat ja.. only for a nite.. next day everyone went back to life.. hahaha.. n i had schooll.. arrhhg

went to v.mall man!! firstly i so cnt damn bliv it.. mkn chicken rice.. then jln2.. then pixies!!! hahahahh

this was anther trip to vmall again..

ma sis jammin with ma bro.. sis guitar.. bro untuned singer.. hahahaits my guitar tuned.. bros voice nope2... me peace coz i was the camera woman..

gambar kelasss!!!! peace!!!!

me n her..

me disturbed n bugged by so many things.. gawd.. n bored durin the pg trip.. at gurney..

saja.. hehe.. XD..

saja.. bored..

fuhh.. lama gila x update siyot.. well actually id o write.. at this notepad wic i converted to my diary.. hehe.. who will i let em read? my cyg of coz n some others ahh..

note: dari pagi, g pg.. shopping nonstop.. ni pun if ada cash n still at mall.. i kikis abes duit.. ahhaha. xpeant2.. tapi slow down gak ahh.. but still high!!! yay!!! pishh!!! so mesti byk gramatical error n short forms.. malaih ahh nk care.. coz agk byk gila kot nk write..

xmandi g.. baru smpai frm pg at 1055.. terus bgi kitties makan.. then here i m.. i stink like a pig...

my life ehh .. how is it??? ok.. im coping with it..

at least for the first time in my life since god knows when i ada usaha nk faham keja maths yg xley nk blah with my brain. ada gak usaha nk siap hmwrk. ada gak usaha nk wat folio. ada gak usaha nk study..

guitar ok la.. at least i can strum!!! tx to hamsty, raudha n hamstys metronome!!!

n usaha gak.. n go thru the pain on my left fingers!!! ahakss.. x thp kronik pown..

skang dah 1139

geee!!!

ahh at least arii ni sejak 2009, i g shopping.. ok ahh..

bought presents 4 this two imprtnt person in my life.. i like the presents.. i hope theyll like it too!!!

03.04.2009 3rd April 2009

two stuff happened..

1 bday fitree ( wic i thot it was 2mro but azim confirmed it tht its today.. )

2 ada la.. but its carved on a big tree.. gahgah..

j ckp.. its not tht im gona loose anitin.. yeap its nt tht im gona loose anitin.. i got my cyg, honey, sayang, dear, al of em.. so if i go thrui this, n it ends, n crappish n all.. its ok.. its not tht m gona loose anitin.. but if i get sth gud out of it.. thank god la.. thts 4 d beta..

i nk g straighten rambut balek!!!! sejak ptg pendek. dia jadi lebey gila dri dulu.. gawd!!

n sudeny suv msgd me.. weird.. dhla he guna celcom.. abes ahh my cred.. gawd..

n 3G!!!!!!! i love em!!!!

n i love cyg!!! kissing is a normal thing d... n to ppl yg usha pelik n ada probs.. if ur here to tell me bout my life n how to live it n how to lead it. leme tell u sth.. theres many exit doors tht u can take n get out from my life forever ok?? if u nid me to show it, ill b happy to do so.. n pleased too.. so if u ada probs.. tlg blah..

ari ni.. beli

- this thing.. (4) hahah.. 100 bucks..

- bday pressies 70 bucks... 50 my own money.. god...

- school shoes!!!! hehe..

- topup lagi!!!

- n 3g is affordable man!!! its cheap!!!


- duh.. keja sejarah.. gawd.. xpa2 wat ja 10 q.. hehe..

- lip balm n blemish stick.. lip balm tu cm menyesasl ja beli evntho dlm promotion but still.. cm

its the same... eeee...

- stuff left to buy.. socks... jam eventho tadi mmg g tgk jam.. but i still love fadeenas.. i nid to get tht.. n its bum.. its better if its black.. but if xdk pon.. its ok.. ill go pink!!!! hahah!!! pink is the new black!!! gawd #faints#

- tadi pagi, in the car.. was singing love story many tyms... hahah.. then smile3!!! till my dad turned around and looked at me.. n he smiled.. then he asked wat r u doin?? daydreamin isit?? i said no.. im just singing.. lisening to the song.. oh ur lisenin to sth isit.. ( he lowers down the radio volume.. expects me to sing.. )_ me: xnk ahh.. dn wan ahh...

- few secs later.. hows tan?? me wit a high pitch voice sed ok!!! n he sed he kesian her coz kena bgn awal just to go to school.. yeap.. my parents r actually concern bout u.. n my mum is concerned tht ur not havin anythn durin recess..

- im high people!!!

chris - forever, with u

neyo- mad

mariah - alwwiz b my baby

... - kiss me thru the phone

love story

tpain - low

grinday- wmeupwensept

hilary - wake up

CPR PPL!!!

n 143

cheet2!!!

ahaks...

mad.. man.. mad..

n my parents nk perkenalkan someone to rafael!! ahahah!!!!

n i msgd kak noran!!! i love her!!!

c jam pulak.. xdk idea nihh.. got tdi dlm keta belungguk.. tinggl nk meletup ja..

ohh yeah.. i saw my dad peeing at the public toilet..... ahahahhahahahahaha

n2 tadi...

my mum was at the cashier.. n i strait away wen to the toys section... ahahhaha

then 4 sure ma mum called me since i wasnt around.. so she was like aiman wer r u ?? im alredi done.. then i was like with a low voice.. i was lookin at the barbie... ahahahahah i'll never grow up.. im not 15 ppl!!! ( not yet tho.. gawd... )

nwdays.. ill just terjaga for god knws wat reason just like tht.. but yeah ill b lookin at ma phone seeing tht someone texted me wile i was in wonderland.. but its weird.. 2 days ago was 3 sth.. today 4 sth or 5.. this tym???

its 1159 i still feel like pourin.. ok2 ill go n get my suppose to be diary here n checked wat i can adfd to mke this entry superrr crappiiishh long.... heheh...

love story!!!

n2.. the hairdresser.. bi ling.. thinks im on finess prog or sth.. ahahhaah... no its not fitness prog.. its called not eatin.. i still do tho..

i swallowed nearly half of the big tupperware of smarties icecream 4 lunch yest..

i tink im gona stay up till late.. hehe i suppose to stay up till 4am today.. but fell asleep rround 12+ ccoz i was all gedik n smily n comfy on my bed..gee

she wants me to go n bathe.. but im like blogspot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wana change ma phone.. i wana phone tht can blah mms!!! gawd!!!

im so mad.. that i pakai this pinky baju with a wite flower on it.. aka i wore it in a pic wic is wit some1 rite now..

jam b4 reachin ma dads office.. ma mum was like how the hell r we gona go there.. m like its not tht ur husband is so rich or a millionaire tht we can go there with a chopper.. ma mum said.. sadly my husband is not.. gahgah..

n2.. this couple.. old couple.. theyre in 70s.. i didnt hear wt hapened bitwin em.. but dad told dt the lady was talkin so loud.. grumpy la kot kan to d husband.. then the husbnd said donla tok so loud n wat not n watsoever.. so a small fite la kan.. ni cinese couple ahh.. then the lady p la sit at tis table wile husband li mknn.. then boh la mknn on d table.. then both em mkn ja.. muka pun x tgk lgsung.. patah lagi nk ckp.. i was like.. yeap ppl!!! i mcm sedey n nk cry.. gawd.. apa kes!!!?? cm sad u know tgk diorang cm tu.. xtgk pon muka.. just mkn n wat muka bodo.. eeeeee!!!!

then ma mum ckp.. lfe mmg cm tu.. i sed its so unfair. she said fair ka xfair.. its going to be tht way.. sadly its a fact of life n u have to accept it.. she sed.. c if mula2 x kawen p la usha muka hold hands.. skang mana da.. ( my dad mmg dok kat citu ) then i was like d couple x tgk pun muka each other.. ma mums like apa yg nk tgk.. everyday dok tgk lama dh.. ma dads like yeah 60 bloody damn years!! 60 bloody damn years.. (hahahah.. ni x serious.. i mean it din go to a fite.. it was sth tht i learn.. n my parents dok gelak since its like 60 bloody damn years!! hahaha )

n i chilled at tesco pg with my dad wile tunggu jam reda.. cool ahh.. g li kasut ngn dia.. mintak duit nk topup.. ahahahha.. getaq gak ahha.. tapi cool.. heheh.. pastuh pusing2 g carik biskut.. carik milo 3in 1.. pastuh battery.. sometyms ill sob like really sob coz i know.. im the youngest n tht hes old.. so i really have to spend double big tym with him.. n never tke anythin frm him like for free.. i shall use it n treasure it.. coz.. dang.. i dont wana say it.. faham2 je la.. hes not young.. i want him around 4eva!!!

bes ahh hang out wit him.. hehe.. hmm...

ari ni suma chunn... thank god.. xdk prob... thank god..

lunch time mkn mcd.. tea mkn a&w.. telan je.. hehe.. mkn wile massih boley..

gahgah..

i bet the earliest i sleep is 2...

nk wrap bday present den sej stuff then bit of this n tht.. n blogging la kan.. so yeap.. itll b kinda late.. ohh n yeah!!! cyg!!! the pixies!!! hehe.. ( i segan gila ok??!! )

and2 this two persons.. said to me .. to take care of myself.. in less thn 3 hours.. gawd. i will man.. siap antar mcm poster to me.. be careful!!!.. hahah... yeah i will...

my mum ckp i look like hantu in pix.. gawd.. n s 4 me.. my eyebags r bad.. n i look like a person hu menghidap penyakit... god. pls.. i hope thts nt true..

so results: din do sej n wrap the presents.. just blogged..

after bathing.. felt so damn fcking down. idk y!!!!

then slept at 330.. down.. gee..

n ill just blog... gawd.. exams.. shits.. i have to get out!!!

{ this is a total mess }