What to do now ? I could just taste it.

Ok, i know what i need to do, what i should do. relax u knnow, life goes on, no big, its normal. xyah dok wat trok. be grateful. u have much more than needed.enough. whats done is done. thats the past, anyways. ur a big girl, u should know what to do n what not to do. i didnt have the brains n the level of maturity needed to know all sorts of things back then. even now, i dont know much. pretty much u can say i know nothing. i want to know, if its possible, everything. and i want the truth. everything. bcuz rite now, i feel i have nothing, i dont know anything at all. bcuz maybe whatever ive been living, growing up with, being feed with, are all some piece of shit. and its been there, all this while, right in front of my eyes, i just failed to see and realize. why ? why can i see others but not sth so essential in my life? or i just chose not to hear and ignore it, hence, i dont know anything. and i am left like this right now.

i wish i can start new. new. a new book. i dont want a chapter, i want a new book. i wish i can rely on someone, 100%. trust someone 100%. without being afraid to be cheated. honest. everything is transparent. u know everything. sth or someone that i can just hold on to without being left. like a pole, i can hold on to for the rest of my life. so then i have sth that i can hang on to. i want sth that i can fall back to. i want someone who can catch me when i fall. maybe sometimes i want u to fall with me, let me fall, n teach me to get up again. sometimes just let me be. maybe sometimes just catch me n cut all the effort n let me just hug u n hug me back n let me just cry n make me feel i have someone with me. yes, i am afraid. bcuz i dont understand a thing. i just dont get it.

a part of me says, just listen, just believe, live it, another says what if its just pure crap ? u want a crappy life ?

from what i see, i think the worst feeling is feeling empty. feeling empty, n lost, not having sth strong and permanent that lasts long to hold to.


* it might be impractical, but anytime will do *