My life undecided.

Peanuts, especially hazelnut.
It is very nice to be eaten.
Especially when it is in chocolates and ice-cream.
I personally love it actually.
Yum, yum, yum.
In ferrero rocher, kinder bueno.
Well almost all the nice stuff contains it.

I know I am allergic to it but I am addicted to it.
I am not suppose to eat it because I am allergic to it.
But due to my wants and stubbornness, I still have it.
Due to my ignorance and the attraction.
It is like a magnet, worse than that.
Seems unbreakable, seems so strong.
But every magnet will loose its strength overtime.

And that is not it, I cannot stop wanting for more.
I wish it to be the last, but I do not want it to be the last.
I want more of it but at some point it has to stop.
My allergies would flare up if I keep consuming it.
It is nice and sweet and everything,
It does give a long aftereffect though,
But the thing that you have to live with after that,
Knowing all the possibilities that may happen,
And knowing it is forbidden,
That is not that smart.

And the time
Time is actually running out
But why am I still the same
Where is my head

And the words
And the people
And the love
And the care
And the attention
be it intentionally or unintentionally
They all care
Do you ?

I dont get it
Am I ready for it ?
Am I ready for anything ?

I dont know where it will all bring me.
I hope it brings me to the right place
Where I should be
Where I belong

Im not ready to be left in a crowd where nobody can hear me screaming and weeping
Im not ready to be left swimming in unknown waters all by myself.
Even leave me with a life jacket, maybe that is not what I want
Im not ready to be given a canvas and create something out of what I see

I always cannot make up my mind
I want this
I want that
But I dont want everything though
I just want some
That goes according to me
Even if it does
That is not what I wanted.
Almost in everything.

What if it is ugly ?
What if it is beautiful ?
What if it goes far ?
What if it is just around the corner ?
What if everything that you fear for
Happens all in one go.

And then what ?

I do not wish to look back and say I wish I have a time machine.