oh my . . .

emm.. warning.. tis wont be a good one at all..

so... i got only like 5 or less hours of sleep.. i cnt sleep okayyyy.. n no interest in fud again... got up at 10+.. yes not gud.. first ting i did was went to c ahma.. i felt very the very guilty.. i shudnt have done tht.. now even if i din get any sleep the nite before, il make sure il b down by 9+.. ever thought of sleeping during day time ? gawd... so yes.. to cover it up.. wel act i went out first since dad said if the weathers fine, go n take a walk at the garden.. which yes its not cleared for sure.. but theres a part where he threw the bamboo away n just put like mini landscape.. which id like to say to him.. y dont u do tht to all of the other part? hahahah.. so went in, got ahma.. bwk dia jln2 around the garden.. felt better tht way..

n yeah.. my voice.. ahma cud hardly hear me.. if my dads here, hes gona ask me the same qs he asked me yest.. why do u look so dead ? yeah hes not at home.. kl.. esok blek... imy dad.. n hey.. i did i mean few days ago.. italked to him.. i told him bout some stuf.. n yeah.. m glad i told him since in return he told me some stuff too.. well like how u live n all.. which he said. the world is like that... - its true...

so i find ketenangan jiwa by lying on my bed with fish n selimut n music n a book.. now m into memoirs of a geisha.. only chap two.. gah... m very slow.. well yea i tried to concentrate. cud for a mo, the ohter mo, go to hell...

emm movies tried mr bones n def maybe.. i cnt wtch em.. the ony tink i cud lyn is rfbr.. which i stil do love it.. dennis doyle.. libby.. whit.. the son wts his name.. jake was it or the snot-face.. gordon i like him the way he looks n all.. ahhaha.. em mr ghoshdashtidar.. im the assistant coach.. becoz i have the spatula ! oh n yes.. rminds me... rizals going for the star walk.. aft many years not in it, hes goin tis time.. which app he din even start training.. which yes il be accompanying him.. :) - spatula along ! hahahah

okeh.. the ting is.. yea dt ting.. yes called well the tinggy.. hahaha... okeh.. i did.. i did try ok.. yes fail trying then fail not doing anytin.. so i did.. first attempt.. i messed up.. but heck.. nvm tht.. then the other filled with rfbr of coz didnt work either.. but yeah tht its ok.. i und tht but nvm.. hahaha.. the 3rd.. ok from a failure turned into a disaster.. a total, complete disaster tht i cudnt take..

yes.. i feel so sorry for myself.. how pathetic i am.. plus.. its nothing.. its just all in my head. its a fucking small thing.. but ijdk y.. but hey.. at least now u can call me a human.. not complete.. of coz.. idt we will ever be complete actually. so yes ive felt it.. n i hate it.. big time ! i wonder how he cud cope with it.. well i can see u really managed it.. n i salute u dude ! ur one heck of a guy u survived it..

yes.. karma... no la.. not karma.. its what comes around, comes around.. u did it.. now its time for u to feel it.. i know i have... a lottt.. so its my turn now.. what goes up must come down.. yeah.. i get that..

i cudnt even snap out of it.. i cnt like get a grip of myself n collect myself.. - arrr how stupid is tht ? n yeah another warning.. tis is the oh mi gawd so fcking pathetic aiman.. pls bare with it... yeah i cudnt well seriously get up from it.. i was just there.. sitting.. doing what mostly ppl in that condition do perhaps.. i hate that.. n yes.. m a weak person.. n sth i learn.. frm my mum n tis ting.. nvm bout tht.. but its kinda true tho.. but heck.. thats how it goes..

i was so bad till i was wondering.. can i even survive thru the nite n get up in the morning ? oh no.. can i even sleep at all ? yes thank god i manage to fall asleep.. fuh.. yeah its so funny n stupid.. ahahha.. nvm that.. but yes.. wen i really want time to be like a flying arrow it moves like a snaill.. wonderfull.. i was begging to god to make it end so soon n stop it.. i dont want it.. i swear to god i regreted like hell.. wel yeah.. i din even like get it in i mean the whole part.. just few bits was enuff to make me well loose myself.. i dont want for more..

so idk wether i stil wna go on tryin or not.. but hye.. u wnt it.. u work ur ass out for it.. but idk wther i want it rite now.. i may just end up not doing anyting.. no playing games too.. just songs n books.. but hey.. ketenangan jiwa.. i do like it.. thats my only way for now..

at some point.. im hapy i did tht.. i mean hey i asked for it.. n now i got it.. so y make such a big deal out of it.. so yes at some point im hepy i did it.. n of coz the other m not at al.. but not only to one.. but to three i know.. n i bet theres lots more that i din realize.. i dont want to know.. but hey.. its all for the better rite.. wic it is.. so its ok.. :)

im no longer the aiman u used to know back then wen i just moved or till i was fourteen.. correct? perhaps.. im not that hyper, al smiley, al loud, al screamy, al that cn go mad at once anymore.. yes.. m gettin more boring, more moody, more everythin by the minute as i get older.. - ok thts so old.. haahha - i mean seriously.. i cant mke anyone luff anymore, cheer a person up, be there, make at least that person smile, make them feel better.. ntg.. seriously.. dont say oh aiman ur not bla3.. dude.. i saw it in front of my eyes.. shut it.. or yeah.. evn worse.. a friend.. like how i used to anymore... so idk.. i dont know what will bcme of me at the end of 2009.. n better how m i goin to school in 2010.. i dont dare to give it a thought.. well then all i want is to score n bury myself with books.. - its much more than that dude -


- tom baxter : better.. > .. oh my


but yes i dont blame it either.. i asked for it.. n i got it.. n that.. not it anymore.. n i was like that.. not helping.. so yeah..


sooo.. theres so much more i wna say but im just all blurry rite now.. well im not act.. but forget it.. so.. mm.. yeah.. im always like this.. dont worry.. at some point il get up again like how i used to.. i need cycling if it doesnt rain later.. i really need to..

n yes.. i beg u.. pls dont ever ask me bout this..yes u must be wondering wth m i crapping about.. nope.. m not gona tell u.. n dont ask me or push me.. i know ur being very concern n caring. thank u very much.. much appreciated. but pls i already have too much love enuff to spare me few generations more from my mum.. tis, pls be understanding n not ask me.. if at all, il tell u by myself without force..

dennis doyle says .. in life later on, ul see many tings that u dont like n u just have to face it.. worse than the ones ur goin thru rite now.. stand up n face it.. dont run away from it coz itl stil be there..

so i dont have to worry bout it anymore.. everyones oke.. everyones fine.. thats fine for me.. all i need to know is ur okay.. n i know u really are.. thats enuf for me.. let it go..

so have fun ppl..

:)